Fifty is Nifty

As much as I hate its people, I love America. Jingoism aside, we’re number one- and for good reason. Yes sir, the 50 States have a system that for better and for worse, works well. But hark! What’s this? Some terrorists are seeking to destroy our flag, and cause massive chaos? Yes dear readers, that is correct: the anti-American denizens of the so-called ‘District of Columbia’ think they deserve statehood. Nothing could be further from the truth.

From its inception, Washington D.C. had the explicit intention of operating outside the realm of statehood; a Vatican City of political being. But unlike the Vatican, the designation of the region has been long established (circa 1792). That means for the last 200 years, people have known darn well what they’re getting themselves into; no ambiguity, no lack of clarity. Despite this, people kept (and keep) moving there, and then act surprised when they can’t have everything exactly how they want it. Sorry Malcolm, but this time you did land on Plymouth Rock.

The very notion of degrading the district into statehood not only weakens federal autonomy (since all federal buildings would now be located in state-taxed areas) but can also be seen as an act of secession. Just think- the physical aspect of D.C. was bore out of land ceded by the great state of Maryland, not some unclaimed Manifest Destiny-era territory. To take that land, parse it, and then declare it autonomous is an act akin to a seditious insurrection, a la Fort Sumter. If the denizens of that region want to be treated as state-fellows, they can humbly return the land given to them and assimilate. Not selfishly, and naïvely stand atop their half-square and shout glittering generalities of taxation and freedom.