An Inopportune Reality

The Mayan civilization was the most advanced American civilization, until of course, we came along. Their massive pyramidal temples and comprehension of mathematics and astronomy made them stand out in history as ‘trendsetters’ so-to-speak. But recent evidence has revealed that despite their Mesoamerican supremacy, the might Maya may have been brought down by climate change. That’s right- climate change. Recent data indicated that drought and unfavorable temperatures led to massive crop failures, and likely widespread famine.

Not being light-weights when it came to predicting events (i.e., the soon-to-be 2012 Apocalypse) there is ample evidence to support that several key members of the Mayan hierarchy foresaw these catastrophic events, and tried to warn their emperors. But ancient runes show that there was a powerful anti-climate change lobby within the Mayan priesthood. Mayan codices show that several revered priests reported that they saw no such catastrophe when they gazed into their virgin-blood basins, and then used propaganda and misdirection to distract the lower and middle caste members of society from noticing. By claiming that the changes were the will of their lord and savior, Q'uq'umatz the feathered serpent, the priesthood published numerous texts and sites dedicated to denying the climate change evidence. It took the work of the Mayan Emperor’s second-in-command, creator of the inter-networking of aqueducts, to weave a story telling the people the inopportune reality that was upon them. Naturally, the priesthood accused him of blasphemy, which resulted in his heart being severed from his still-living corporeal being, and all his blood being drained.

The moral of the story is: look where the Maya are today- they’re famous! If we ever want to be remembered as a ‘great civilization,’ we need to die out now- not in a few thousand years. We need to be the global equivalent of James Dean- not Elizabeth Taylor. Odds are, if we keep going on with a few limitations here and there, and minimal yet noticeable regulation, we’ll just get fat and old, and no longer attractive (historically speaking) and no one will ever want to study us. I say drill baby drill, pump baby pump, and deforest baby deforest. Not just for us- but for our children, and our children’s children (who most likely won’t have children of their own).