GODDAMNIT -- NO IT DOES NOT

  

Ignoring the fact that Star Wars and Star Trek are notorious sci-fi rivals, ignoring the fact that 'Cloverfield' and 'Super 8' both sucked a fat one (and both featured poorly designed spider-squid monsters), and ignoring the fact that 'Lost' was just 6 seasons of plot holes and cliff-hangers, J. J. Abrams is a piss-poor screenwriter and a hack director who's only skill is ruining the souls of everyone who watches his work.

I can only assume that his full name is Jizz Juggler Abrams, because he must have been jerking off someone at Disney Co. (looking at you Eisner) in order to be considered to direct Star Wars Episode VII. I mean, really? It's a slight against God that this little prick, with his hands still filthy from finger-fucking the Star Trek franchise, gets to take the reigns of the greatest sci-fi epic of the last 50 years. It's going to be stylistically identical to the Star Trek remake; just slick shiny spaceships and lens flares every 5 seconds. Might as well just merge the two and have a show called "STARS" where each episode is a jumbled mess of poorly lit action sequences and unresolved plot lines.

All I can say is that Jizzy Abrams must not be a Star Wars fan. No one who cares about the Star Wars saga would ever condone this. No one. So fuck off MTV, and fuck off Big Shiny Robot editor-in-chief Bryan Young. Keep your blasphemy to your self. And also do not go through with this.

Sincerely, 

Brian

I Don’t Give A Rat’s Dick, Study Says

I need to talk to the NIH, CDC, numerous state Health Offices, as well as members of every university Board of Directors in the country. I have very important information that can save them money, and all they have to do is click here*. But really, here’s how you can stop wasting money: stop funding studies on diet and exercise.

Seriously. How many times do we need to affirm that eating more fruits and veggies, and doing daily exercise will be beneficial?  Or that obesity raises your risk everything? Who is waking up in the morning, saying “Yes! Once and for all, I shall prove that a low calorie diet coupled with regular cardiovascular exercise is actually better for you than inactivity, morbid obesity and chain smoking. Hazaa!”

Don’t think this is a problem? Let’s look at the impact these studies have on the Research-O-Sphere by playing a fun game: go to Google (or GoogleNews) and search the terms “health” and “study suggests” – you’ll be entertained for literally fives of minutes. These are basically the scientific (very loose meaning of the word) equivalent of spam emails; the same thing over and over in different colored packaging. I’ve put a few examples down below, but this is by far my most/least favorite:

Study shows exercise and diet improve cholesterol in overweight and obese adults

March 19, 2012 in Overweight and Obesity

(Medical Xpress) -- According to a recent report, more than 68 percent of American adults are either overweight or obese. A study by researchers in the West Virginia University School of Medicine, Tufts University and Stanford University shows that exercise and diet improve cholesterol in overweight and obese adults.

Exercise Could Boost The Immune System, Study Suggests

Diet, Exercise May Boost 'Good' Cholesterol, Study Suggests

Health Buzz: Childhood Obesity Linked to BPA, Study Suggests

Study suggests how expanding waistlines may contribute to cancer

Belly Fat Adds to Diabetes Risk in Obese Adults, Study Finds

Study says an apple a day may help keep cancer away

Sitting Ourselves to Death? Study Says Cutting Couch Time Could Bump Up Life Expectancy

Shoppers who read food labels are thinner, study says

Obesity Surgery Seems to Reduce Heart Risks, Study Says

Even a Little Exercise Can Help Improve Heart Health, Study Finds

Study Shows How Exercise Reduces Heart Disease Risk



Just The Tip

On the radio today there was a segment about how 20-30% is the new norm for tipping. If that is the case, then I’m proud to be an outlier. I mean, I understand tipping as a reward; but as a matter-of-course? No thank you. That's like going to a store and having a “25% On” coupon they force you to use. One of the people who called in to discuss the topic said something along the lines of, ‘If the service is really bad, yeah- I’ll leave like 10-15%.’ No, if the service is really bad, you leave no tip; or better yet, you leave 1% (which I imagine is more of an insult since it shows you made a conscious effort to say ‘You sucked’) My standard tip is around 12-15%, but functions on a sliding scale, based on service:

The How Big Is Your Tip? Scale 

1%                   - I actively hate you

5-8%               - You were a neglectful and unpleasant server

9-12%             - You brought food in a wholly unremarkable manner

13-16%          - You were polite, service was fine

17-21%          - You were very friendly and helpful, and comp’d me some drinks

≥22%              - You gave me a squeezer under the table

 

Go ahead and say it; "You're so cheap" but I won’t be made to pay a 30% ‘Guilt Tax’ because everyone else seems to have forgotten the point of tipping.

Some other things:

- If you brazenly proclaim that an “18% Gratuity Will Be Added for Parties of 6 or More”, don’t expect that number to go up, even to 19%.

- If the meal, and thus the bill, is very expensive, don’t expect the same proportions. Carrying a plate of Honey Seared Chilean Sea Bass and Chives requires the same amount of work as carrying a plate of Chicken Tenders and Fries.

- And as for the overly self-assured ladies, here’s a tip for you: having a set of tits is not as valuable as refilling my drink multiple times. If you want money for simply having boobs, become a stripper. Otherwise you’re the same as everyone else in my food-book.

To sum it up, here’s a scene from Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi) has an educated and polite conversation about the pros and cons of tipping. Enjoy.

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Mr. Pink: I don't tip because society says I have to. Alright, I tip when somebody really deserves a tip. If they put forth an effort, I'll give them something extra. But I mean, this tipping automatically, that's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned they're just doing their job.

Mr. Blue: Hey, this girl was nice.

Mr. Pink: She was okay. But she wasn't anything special.

Mr. Blue: What's special? Take you in the back and suck your dick?

Nice Guy Eddie: I'd go over twelve percent for that.

Mr. Pink: Look, I ordered coffee, alright? And we’ve been here a long fucking time and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee I want it filled six times.

Mr. Blonde: Six times? Well, what if she's too fucking busy?

Mr. Pink: The words "too fucking busy" shouldn't be in a waitress's vocabulary.

Nice Guy Eddie: Excuse me Mr. Pink, but the last fucking thing you need is another cup of coffee.

Mr. Pink: Jesus Christ man, these ladies aren't starving to death. They make minimum wage. You know, I used to work minimum wage and when I did I wasn't lucky enough to have a job the society deemed tipworthy.

Mr. Blue: You don't care if they're counting on your tips to live?

Mr. Pink: [rubbing his middle finger and thumb together] You know what this is? The world's smallest violin playing just for the waitresses.

Mr. White: You don't have any idea what you're talking about. These people bust their ass. This is a hard job.

Mr. Pink: So is working at McDonald's, but you don't see anyone tip them, do you? Why not, they're serving you food. But no, society says don't tip these guys over here, but tip these guys over here. It's bullshit!

Mr. White: Waitressing is the number one occupation for female non-college graduates in this country. It's the one job basically any woman can get, and make a living on. The reason is because of tips.

Mr. Pink: Fuck all that! I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's fucked up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you show me a piece of paper that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And this non-college bullshit you're givin' me, I got two words for that: learn to fuckin' type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big fuckin' surprise.

Mr. Orange: You know what, you just convinced me. Gimmie my dollar back!

[end scene]

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If You Enjoyed That Video...

I really don’t like YouTube. It’s got to be one of the most overrated, disorganized and inefficient forums within the social-media-industrial-complex (i.e., Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Blogger, CatF*cker.com). I mean, even Twitter allows you to filter out the gallons and gallons of liquid horse shit out there (though if you ever want to dip a toe, just click some of the trending hashtags). But try as I might, every time I search for something on YouTube, all I get is a fat, sweaty orgy full of things I really don’t want to see. Much like an actual fat, sweaty orgy.

I just don’t understand how a company owned by Google (the world’s #1 search engine) can be so obtuse and difficult to navigate. Even porn sites have better search filters. There needs to be a series of advanced search options like Don’t Show Me Videos of Jackasses Talking to Their Webcams or Filter Out All Videos Over 3 Minutes, but less than 20 Minutes Because Those Don’t Belong on YouTube, Goddamnit. Also, music videos: literally no one, in all of existence, wants to see a teenage hipster play an acoustic cover of any song. Ever.  

YouTube may be a catylyst of free speech, but when that speech involves everything and everyone is simultaneously screaming “Hey- look at me!,” I think I’d prefer silence.

Fifty is Nifty

As much as I hate its people, I love America. Jingoism aside, we’re number one- and for good reason. Yes sir, the 50 States have a system that for better and for worse, works well. But hark! What’s this? Some terrorists are seeking to destroy our flag, and cause massive chaos? Yes dear readers, that is correct: the anti-American denizens of the so-called ‘District of Columbia’ think they deserve statehood. Nothing could be further from the truth.

From its inception, Washington D.C. had the explicit intention of operating outside the realm of statehood; a Vatican City of political being. But unlike the Vatican, the designation of the region has been long established (circa 1792). That means for the last 200 years, people have known darn well what they’re getting themselves into; no ambiguity, no lack of clarity. Despite this, people kept (and keep) moving there, and then act surprised when they can’t have everything exactly how they want it. Sorry Malcolm, but this time you did land on Plymouth Rock.

The very notion of degrading the district into statehood not only weakens federal autonomy (since all federal buildings would now be located in state-taxed areas) but can also be seen as an act of secession. Just think- the physical aspect of D.C. was bore out of land ceded by the great state of Maryland, not some unclaimed Manifest Destiny-era territory. To take that land, parse it, and then declare it autonomous is an act akin to a seditious insurrection, a la Fort Sumter. If the denizens of that region want to be treated as state-fellows, they can humbly return the land given to them and assimilate. Not selfishly, and naïvely stand atop their half-square and shout glittering generalities of taxation and freedom.

I Might Be The Coolest Person Ever

While I would never play online games whilst at work, when I’m trying to kill time at home on the weekend, I’ve been known to play a game or two. Unfortunately, most online games are downright terrible. So I keep it simple; puzzle games, skill games, games not based on Nickelodeon shows. There’s a version of Tetris online as well as a few other knock-offs of classic games.

[Extended side note. The blocks featured in Tetris (called tetrominoes) are composed of four blocks (hence the tetra- prefix), arranged into 5 unique shapes (7 unique shape-orientations in 2-D ). They are:

In reading-order: “I”, “J”, “L”, “O”, “S”, “T”, “Z”

Oddly enough they don’t have cute names like the ghosts from Pac Man, but that’s probably due to the fact that they were created in Soviet Russia.]

Tetris succeeds as a game because it’s so simple. It turns the elimination of a row of blocks into a joyous occasion. The minimalist nature of the game means it its replay value is very slow to diminish; it’s got a quantitative aspect that makes you want to keep playing. There’s no plot, no defined characters, only two control buttons-- and that results in hours of fun. I bring this up because for a while now I’ve been wanting to express a burning sentiment; I hate Mario. I think Super Mario Bros. is one of the most overrated games ever. And here’s why.

And it’s not just Super Mario Bros., no- I’m including Super Mario Land, Mario 64, Paper Mario, etc. The gameplay falls into a bell-curve valley somewhere between the simple, yet rewarding repetition of Tetris, and the immensely complex RPGs; the worst of both worlds. Maybe the human-like quality of the game that creates some kind of “Uncanny Valley” effect, where you kiiiiind of want to care, but then there’s nothing to latch on to. Here's a graphic representation:

So in summation:

• The plots are anything but captivating: “Oh no, the princess has been captured. Again.”
• There’s no character attachment: You can’t ‘level up’, there’s no customizations [in content or appearance], and no character development.
• Tedious actions that must be repeated in different contexts to achieve a lackluster goal: Jump! Run! Go ‘WOO HOO’! (Repeat)

Either give me a one-shot, mind numbing proto-game to pass the time, or over 300 hours of highly immersive gameplay that might cause cerebral overload; don’t give me a washed-up plumber jumping on turtles.