Lance Armstrong Admits to Name-Doping

Lance Armstrong, born Lester Ennis Rabinowicz-Cockburn, has finally admitted to long-standing charges of name-doping with the intent of personal enhancement. 

Recently exhumed documents, including daycare records and birth certificates, show that Rabinowicz-Cockburn was born into a to Polish-Scottish household in September 1972 and maintained his birth name until the age of ten; at this point he began experimenting with several names, including “Pistol McBullets” and “Snake Plissken” (the name of Kurt Russell’s character in the 1981 movie Escape from New York)

Sports commentators have previously pointed out that Lance Armstrong is indeed, a dope ass name; however, records show allegations of name-doping that date as far back as 1996.

Rabinowicz-Cockburn now faces questions of performance integrity, and several sponsors have already pulled their endorsements. 

Mid-Life Crisis, Here I Come!

In an effort to more effectively embrace adulthood, I decided I need to do more adult-type things. I already have a 401(k), I've given up on most of my hopes and dreams, and I listen to talk radio (I like to alternate between NPR and WAVA Christian Media). More recently I've taken some smaller steps, such as ordering this cute My Family and Me rear-window decal, which I had custom made to accurately reflect my lifestyle. 



Apparently the IOC is Very Protective of its Symbols and Intellectual Property

Luckily the transformativeness of this work is substantial enough to excuse me from any liability. Because everyone knows that a week before the Olympics, the IOC has nothing better to do than troll obscure blogs looking for potential copyright violations.

Me = Feminist

I’ve taken up a new cause. Today I am helping shatter the ‘glass ceiling’ by moving to replace all sports metaphors in the workplace with Star Wars references.

Instead of “Wow Glen- you really knocked that one out of the park!” it should now be “Wow Glen- you really blew up that Deathstar!”

Sports have an inherent masculinity and fundamental framework that constantly pits one person or team against another; thus reducing synergy. Star Wars on the other hand, is the great equalizer of our generation; anyone can watch, enjoy and then recite lines without alienating or embarrassing anyone. Let’s look at a few more examples:

Example 1

"Did you see Ken’s market-research presentation? It was par for the course…”

Becomes: “Did you see Ken’s market-research presentation? It was your basic R5-D4 astromech…”

 Example 2

“I don’t envy your situation Beth…that’s a real 7-10 split.”

Becomes: “I don’t envy your situation Beth…the odds of successfully navigating that asteroid field are approximately 3720 to 1.”

Example 3

 “Oscar- you close the account with an alley-oop to Tom.”

Becomes: “Oscar, you close the account with a Han-Solo-saves-Luke’s-X-Wing-when-he-was-targeted-by-Darth Vader to Tom.”

Example 4

“I can’t believe Cheryl actually said ‘The advent of breast augmentation has really leveled the playing field for women.”

Becomes: “I can’t believe Cheryl actually said ‘The advent of breast augmentation has really deactivated the shield generators for women.”

Example 5

“You’re leaving us for an IT position at Microsoft? Way to pull a ‘LeBron James’ ASSHOLE.”

Becomes: “You’re leaving us for an IT position at Microsoft? Way to pull a ‘Lando Calrissian’ NERFHERDER.”

So go ahead and try these out the next time you're at the copier, water cooler, or even just riding in the elevator. Who knows, maybe- just maybe- together we can make the world a better place.

I Might Be The Coolest Person Ever

While I would never play online games whilst at work, when I’m trying to kill time at home on the weekend, I’ve been known to play a game or two. Unfortunately, most online games are downright terrible. So I keep it simple; puzzle games, skill games, games not based on Nickelodeon shows. There’s a version of Tetris online as well as a few other knock-offs of classic games.

[Extended side note. The blocks featured in Tetris (called tetrominoes) are composed of four blocks (hence the tetra- prefix), arranged into 5 unique shapes (7 unique shape-orientations in 2-D ). They are:

In reading-order: “I”, “J”, “L”, “O”, “S”, “T”, “Z”

Oddly enough they don’t have cute names like the ghosts from Pac Man, but that’s probably due to the fact that they were created in Soviet Russia.]

Tetris succeeds as a game because it’s so simple. It turns the elimination of a row of blocks into a joyous occasion. The minimalist nature of the game means it its replay value is very slow to diminish; it’s got a quantitative aspect that makes you want to keep playing. There’s no plot, no defined characters, only two control buttons-- and that results in hours of fun. I bring this up because for a while now I’ve been wanting to express a burning sentiment; I hate Mario. I think Super Mario Bros. is one of the most overrated games ever. And here’s why.

And it’s not just Super Mario Bros., no- I’m including Super Mario Land, Mario 64, Paper Mario, etc. The gameplay falls into a bell-curve valley somewhere between the simple, yet rewarding repetition of Tetris, and the immensely complex RPGs; the worst of both worlds. Maybe the human-like quality of the game that creates some kind of “Uncanny Valley” effect, where you kiiiiind of want to care, but then there’s nothing to latch on to. Here's a graphic representation:

So in summation:

• The plots are anything but captivating: “Oh no, the princess has been captured. Again.”
• There’s no character attachment: You can’t ‘level up’, there’s no customizations [in content or appearance], and no character development.
• Tedious actions that must be repeated in different contexts to achieve a lackluster goal: Jump! Run! Go ‘WOO HOO’! (Repeat)

Either give me a one-shot, mind numbing proto-game to pass the time, or over 300 hours of highly immersive gameplay that might cause cerebral overload; don’t give me a washed-up plumber jumping on turtles.

This Entry Will Cite Nothing

The majority of my job involves pandering to science journals, and their ridiculous specifications; the most unreasonable of which are the reference styles. There are three core science-styles; AMA, APA and ACS (sorry MLA, you just don’t cut it). As if this referential triumvirate isn’t bad enough, there are literally hundreds of journal-specific modifications, the majority of which involve comma placement and italics. The worst part is that the journals know that anyone who wants to be published has to conform to their specific style. They’re like divas, who demand subservience and trivial gestures before they’ll perform. Just look at the following description I found for prima donna:

“…someone who behaves in demanding, often temperamental, fashion revealing an inflated view of themselves, their talent, and their importance.”

Anyone who has ever conducted research knows that that statement accurately describes 90% of all journals available today. The other 10% can be summed up in one word: …NERDS…

HAHAHAHA!

GO MIDTOWN FOOTBALL!! WOOOO!!!!