I Might Be The Coolest Person Ever

While I would never play online games whilst at work, when I’m trying to kill time at home on the weekend, I’ve been known to play a game or two. Unfortunately, most online games are downright terrible. So I keep it simple; puzzle games, skill games, games not based on Nickelodeon shows. There’s a version of Tetris online as well as a few other knock-offs of classic games.

[Extended side note. The blocks featured in Tetris (called tetrominoes) are composed of four blocks (hence the tetra- prefix), arranged into 5 unique shapes (7 unique shape-orientations in 2-D ). They are:

In reading-order: “I”, “J”, “L”, “O”, “S”, “T”, “Z”

Oddly enough they don’t have cute names like the ghosts from Pac Man, but that’s probably due to the fact that they were created in Soviet Russia.]

Tetris succeeds as a game because it’s so simple. It turns the elimination of a row of blocks into a joyous occasion. The minimalist nature of the game means it its replay value is very slow to diminish; it’s got a quantitative aspect that makes you want to keep playing. There’s no plot, no defined characters, only two control buttons-- and that results in hours of fun. I bring this up because for a while now I’ve been wanting to express a burning sentiment; I hate Mario. I think Super Mario Bros. is one of the most overrated games ever. And here’s why.

And it’s not just Super Mario Bros., no- I’m including Super Mario Land, Mario 64, Paper Mario, etc. The gameplay falls into a bell-curve valley somewhere between the simple, yet rewarding repetition of Tetris, and the immensely complex RPGs; the worst of both worlds. Maybe the human-like quality of the game that creates some kind of “Uncanny Valley” effect, where you kiiiiind of want to care, but then there’s nothing to latch on to. Here's a graphic representation:

So in summation:

• The plots are anything but captivating: “Oh no, the princess has been captured. Again.”
• There’s no character attachment: You can’t ‘level up’, there’s no customizations [in content or appearance], and no character development.
• Tedious actions that must be repeated in different contexts to achieve a lackluster goal: Jump! Run! Go ‘WOO HOO’! (Repeat)

Either give me a one-shot, mind numbing proto-game to pass the time, or over 300 hours of highly immersive gameplay that might cause cerebral overload; don’t give me a washed-up plumber jumping on turtles.