Just The Tip

On the radio today there was a segment about how 20-30% is the new norm for tipping. If that is the case, then I’m proud to be an outlier. I mean, I understand tipping as a reward; but as a matter-of-course? No thank you. That's like going to a store and having a “25% On” coupon they force you to use. One of the people who called in to discuss the topic said something along the lines of, ‘If the service is really bad, yeah- I’ll leave like 10-15%.’ No, if the service is really bad, you leave no tip; or better yet, you leave 1% (which I imagine is more of an insult since it shows you made a conscious effort to say ‘You sucked’) My standard tip is around 12-15%, but functions on a sliding scale, based on service:

The How Big Is Your Tip? Scale 

1%                   - I actively hate you

5-8%               - You were a neglectful and unpleasant server

9-12%             - You brought food in a wholly unremarkable manner

13-16%          - You were polite, service was fine

17-21%          - You were very friendly and helpful, and comp’d me some drinks

≥22%              - You gave me a squeezer under the table

 

Go ahead and say it; "You're so cheap" but I won’t be made to pay a 30% ‘Guilt Tax’ because everyone else seems to have forgotten the point of tipping.

Some other things:

- If you brazenly proclaim that an “18% Gratuity Will Be Added for Parties of 6 or More”, don’t expect that number to go up, even to 19%.

- If the meal, and thus the bill, is very expensive, don’t expect the same proportions. Carrying a plate of Honey Seared Chilean Sea Bass and Chives requires the same amount of work as carrying a plate of Chicken Tenders and Fries.

- And as for the overly self-assured ladies, here’s a tip for you: having a set of tits is not as valuable as refilling my drink multiple times. If you want money for simply having boobs, become a stripper. Otherwise you’re the same as everyone else in my food-book.

To sum it up, here’s a scene from Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi) has an educated and polite conversation about the pros and cons of tipping. Enjoy.

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Mr. Pink: I don't tip because society says I have to. Alright, I tip when somebody really deserves a tip. If they put forth an effort, I'll give them something extra. But I mean, this tipping automatically, that's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned they're just doing their job.

Mr. Blue: Hey, this girl was nice.

Mr. Pink: She was okay. But she wasn't anything special.

Mr. Blue: What's special? Take you in the back and suck your dick?

Nice Guy Eddie: I'd go over twelve percent for that.

Mr. Pink: Look, I ordered coffee, alright? And we’ve been here a long fucking time and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee I want it filled six times.

Mr. Blonde: Six times? Well, what if she's too fucking busy?

Mr. Pink: The words "too fucking busy" shouldn't be in a waitress's vocabulary.

Nice Guy Eddie: Excuse me Mr. Pink, but the last fucking thing you need is another cup of coffee.

Mr. Pink: Jesus Christ man, these ladies aren't starving to death. They make minimum wage. You know, I used to work minimum wage and when I did I wasn't lucky enough to have a job the society deemed tipworthy.

Mr. Blue: You don't care if they're counting on your tips to live?

Mr. Pink: [rubbing his middle finger and thumb together] You know what this is? The world's smallest violin playing just for the waitresses.

Mr. White: You don't have any idea what you're talking about. These people bust their ass. This is a hard job.

Mr. Pink: So is working at McDonald's, but you don't see anyone tip them, do you? Why not, they're serving you food. But no, society says don't tip these guys over here, but tip these guys over here. It's bullshit!

Mr. White: Waitressing is the number one occupation for female non-college graduates in this country. It's the one job basically any woman can get, and make a living on. The reason is because of tips.

Mr. Pink: Fuck all that! I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's fucked up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you show me a piece of paper that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And this non-college bullshit you're givin' me, I got two words for that: learn to fuckin' type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big fuckin' surprise.

Mr. Orange: You know what, you just convinced me. Gimmie my dollar back!

[end scene]

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Fifty is Nifty

As much as I hate its people, I love America. Jingoism aside, we’re number one- and for good reason. Yes sir, the 50 States have a system that for better and for worse, works well. But hark! What’s this? Some terrorists are seeking to destroy our flag, and cause massive chaos? Yes dear readers, that is correct: the anti-American denizens of the so-called ‘District of Columbia’ think they deserve statehood. Nothing could be further from the truth.

From its inception, Washington D.C. had the explicit intention of operating outside the realm of statehood; a Vatican City of political being. But unlike the Vatican, the designation of the region has been long established (circa 1792). That means for the last 200 years, people have known darn well what they’re getting themselves into; no ambiguity, no lack of clarity. Despite this, people kept (and keep) moving there, and then act surprised when they can’t have everything exactly how they want it. Sorry Malcolm, but this time you did land on Plymouth Rock.

The very notion of degrading the district into statehood not only weakens federal autonomy (since all federal buildings would now be located in state-taxed areas) but can also be seen as an act of secession. Just think- the physical aspect of D.C. was bore out of land ceded by the great state of Maryland, not some unclaimed Manifest Destiny-era territory. To take that land, parse it, and then declare it autonomous is an act akin to a seditious insurrection, a la Fort Sumter. If the denizens of that region want to be treated as state-fellows, they can humbly return the land given to them and assimilate. Not selfishly, and naïvely stand atop their half-square and shout glittering generalities of taxation and freedom.