If You Enjoyed That Video...

I really don’t like YouTube. It’s got to be one of the most overrated, disorganized and inefficient forums within the social-media-industrial-complex (i.e., Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Blogger, CatF*cker.com). I mean, even Twitter allows you to filter out the gallons and gallons of liquid horse shit out there (though if you ever want to dip a toe, just click some of the trending hashtags). But try as I might, every time I search for something on YouTube, all I get is a fat, sweaty orgy full of things I really don’t want to see. Much like an actual fat, sweaty orgy.

I just don’t understand how a company owned by Google (the world’s #1 search engine) can be so obtuse and difficult to navigate. Even porn sites have better search filters. There needs to be a series of advanced search options like Don’t Show Me Videos of Jackasses Talking to Their Webcams or Filter Out All Videos Over 3 Minutes, but less than 20 Minutes Because Those Don’t Belong on YouTube, Goddamnit. Also, music videos: literally no one, in all of existence, wants to see a teenage hipster play an acoustic cover of any song. Ever.  

YouTube may be a catylyst of free speech, but when that speech involves everything and everyone is simultaneously screaming “Hey- look at me!,” I think I’d prefer silence.

Meowth Would Be Proud

Independent-expenditure only political action committees, or as we say on the Hill- Super PACs- are a great invention. Back in 2010, the most money a candidate could receive from one group was $5,000, and there were allllll these hoops to jump through (recording donor names, etc). Frankly, it was only the lamest of the lame who used regular PACs. But thanks to a few lawsuits, anyone can give any amount of money to any candidate, as long as they aren't technically in their camp. Well, being the scholar that I am, I did some research. Turns out, those aren't the only two flavors of political action committees.

The regular, boring old PAC

As I mentioned, these are the lowliest of the low; the bottom of the campaign food chain. Being so limited in their contribution limits, PACs have essentially become political leper colonies. Furthermore, their lack of funding often results in lackluster presentations and underwhelming TV/ radio advertisements.

The Super PAC

Another one we're familiar with. These are the current industry standard for political money laundering, offering a diverse array of clandestine services including (but not limited to): emotionally damaging attack-ads, jabs at family members' medical conditions, and making any other racist/ unsavoury comments the candidate doesn't want to make.

The Ultra PAC

Now this one you might not have heard of. Ultra PACs are unique is that they not only contribute unlimited sums of money, but they will viciously and ruthlessly slaughter any person who gets in the candidates way. How do they get away with this you ask? Thanks to the court case Citizens United v. FEC, they function as an independent corporation, their crimes are distributed over their many members, so a 10 year prison sentence easily becomes a few minutes of community service. In some areas, Ultra PACs often qualify for tax-exempt status, citing their influence to be similar to "...a vengeful God's"

The Master PAC

Not much is known about this entity; only that there is only one, and they operate in extreme secrecy. Because of this, not much is known about their influence on elections or civil society in general. Disturbing anecdotal evidence points to nearly unlimited funds and resources, as well as access to advanced technologies and global monitoring capabilities.