I Don’t Give A Rat’s Dick, Study Says

I need to talk to the NIH, CDC, numerous state Health Offices, as well as members of every university Board of Directors in the country. I have very important information that can save them money, and all they have to do is click here*. But really, here’s how you can stop wasting money: stop funding studies on diet and exercise.

Seriously. How many times do we need to affirm that eating more fruits and veggies, and doing daily exercise will be beneficial?  Or that obesity raises your risk everything? Who is waking up in the morning, saying “Yes! Once and for all, I shall prove that a low calorie diet coupled with regular cardiovascular exercise is actually better for you than inactivity, morbid obesity and chain smoking. Hazaa!”

Don’t think this is a problem? Let’s look at the impact these studies have on the Research-O-Sphere by playing a fun game: go to Google (or GoogleNews) and search the terms “health” and “study suggests” – you’ll be entertained for literally fives of minutes. These are basically the scientific (very loose meaning of the word) equivalent of spam emails; the same thing over and over in different colored packaging. I’ve put a few examples down below, but this is by far my most/least favorite:

Study shows exercise and diet improve cholesterol in overweight and obese adults

March 19, 2012 in Overweight and Obesity

(Medical Xpress) -- According to a recent report, more than 68 percent of American adults are either overweight or obese. A study by researchers in the West Virginia University School of Medicine, Tufts University and Stanford University shows that exercise and diet improve cholesterol in overweight and obese adults.

Exercise Could Boost The Immune System, Study Suggests

Diet, Exercise May Boost 'Good' Cholesterol, Study Suggests

Health Buzz: Childhood Obesity Linked to BPA, Study Suggests

Study suggests how expanding waistlines may contribute to cancer

Belly Fat Adds to Diabetes Risk in Obese Adults, Study Finds

Study says an apple a day may help keep cancer away

Sitting Ourselves to Death? Study Says Cutting Couch Time Could Bump Up Life Expectancy

Shoppers who read food labels are thinner, study says

Obesity Surgery Seems to Reduce Heart Risks, Study Says

Even a Little Exercise Can Help Improve Heart Health, Study Finds

Study Shows How Exercise Reduces Heart Disease Risk



Quote of the Day

Whether you think you can or you can’t -- you’re right*.

*Provided, of course, you took into account your personal strengths and weaknesses, and considered as many possible outcomes as is needed to base a logical, statistically realistic conclusion on.

Chicken Soup for the Asshole

“It’s darkest just before the dawn”

Fortune-cookie philosophers and badly written pop-songs aside, this tired cliché has caught my ear too many times to ignore. Let’s break it (and them) down.

1. A terrestrial observer views the maximum solar brightness when the sun’s rays have the most direct trajectory; overhead, at its zenith.
2. The opposite of the observer’s position is called the antipode, a diametric transversal of the Earth. For most Americans, this would be somewhere in the southern portion of the Indian Ocean. 
3. From the point of view of the observer, the sun is at its nadir (directly “below”). This is the least direct path from the sun to the observer.
4. All points before and after provide more light than at the nadir.

The Earth’s orbit and rotation admittedly affect what time this occurs, but it is always the point that is furthest between sunrise and sunset; the elliptical middle. Not just before the dawn. I realize that this goes against the blind optimism of the learnedly helpless, who believe that “…whenever you feel you’re at the darkest moment of your life, remember sunrise is just a moment away!” but in reality, you’ve got at least 6 more hours of soul crushing agony and despair.

Now, were these pretentious poets to replace ‘darkest’ with, say, ‘most dangerous’, and then only apply the saying to descriptions of the Battle of Helm’s Deep-- I’d have no problems. In that case, yes, dawn did signify a drastic improvement in the situation. Any other usage is just a sad testament to delusion and self-denial.

Patronus To-Go

This is a list of fast food restaurants and what animal I think best represents them.

_________________________________________________________
McDonalds-- a horse with three legs

Wendy’s-- a person with red hair

Taco Bell-- an anthropomorphic cactus

KFC-- some kind of octopus

Burger King-- Zapdos, the thunderbird

Subway-- a rat-king

Quiznos-- a watermelon with a face drawn on it

Popeye’s-- any dead house pet

Arby’s-- a giant tuna

Hardee’s/ Carl’s Junior-- a fucking company who can’t make up their mind regarding brand consolidation

Chick-Fil-A-- overweight succubus

Why is it that no one has bothered to replicate the findings of the Phineas Gage case-study? Is a little scientific integrity too much to ask for?



A Model Citizen

Let me start off with saying that I am not a bad person, but today I stole from a blind guy.

It all started around lunch. I had been drinking water, but my thirst was craving something more exotic; something refreshing- yet also sexual. So I meandered down to the cafeteria, where there are also vending machines. I'll spare you the drama and suspense of picking what soda to get, and just tell you; I got root beer. I reach for my wallet, only to find that the only cash I have is a $5 bill.

Now I respect my work's decision to employee a visually disabled gentleman in a non-trivial job. However. I do not think that a cashier is the best job for someone who can't see. I'm sure that in the plethora of possible jobs, there was at least one that was less reliant on sight. Maybe it's just my misanthropic nature, but I'm seeing an obvious potential for exploitation here. And, no, not everyone- and not Oceans 11-style larceny. But passing off a $1 as a $5? Or not mentioning that you also grabbed a Snickers? I know I'm not the only one who's thinking this, which means somebody has probably acted on it.

Which brings us to today. I was in line for change, my $5 in my hand. When it was my turn, I said "Could I have five $1s for this $5?" while cautiously looking back at the person behind me, as if they were going to vouch for me. Without hesitation he took my bill, and handed me my change. Of course, not wanting to be disrespectful and belittling, I slipped the money into my pocket without counting it. I then got two $1s, and purchased my soda.

When I got back to my desk, and was putting the cash in my pocket into my wallet, I noticed that there were four- not three- one dollar bills. I knew I only had a $5, so you can imagine my momentary confusion, then sudden realization that I had received an inappropriate amount of money from a blind cashier. My first thought was to go back and return the money (see? I'm a theoretically good-person). But then I thought that not only would I be pointing out his minor monetary failure, but that he would have no idea who I was- I'd be a random person giving him a dollar. I then imagined the scenario where I give him a dollar, and in return, getting a pencil that says "Jesus loves you". No. This man is proud. He does not need charity, and he does not need pandering. He wants to be treated as an equal. And personally, I see it as a point of moral fortitude that I, humble as I am, treated a blind cashier with the same self-serving greed that I would show any other cashier. Because that's the American way; taking advantage of everyone equally. God bless you Americans with Disabilities Act, and the corrupt justifications you allow. God bless every one.

RFWoAiMSP: Vol. I

I’d like to introduce a new reoccurring segment called “Recreating Famous Works of Art in MS Paint”

For the first installment, I will be replicating Grant Wood’s famous period-piece, American Gothic (1930).

Note the stern face of the male, juxtaposed with the confused and far-off gaze of the female (perhaps she is a Communist- we don't know). The omission of the barn is symbolic because barns are used for storing things, which implies ownership, whereas the persons here are without possessions (other than a pitchfork) probably because their Communist leaders took them all. Also of note is the lack of windows; only one is present. Perhaps this is representative of the farmer's lack of introversion- that we can only see in so much. Lastly, the shading implies two suns, as can be found on the desert planet Tatooine.

My Non-Transitory Tuesday Morning Torpor

Ever have one of those days where you begrudgingly get up, take a shower (but it doesn’t really wake you up), pretend that not getting dressed will prevent you from having to start the day, drive 60 miles, and then work for eight or so hours, only to come home and wallow in self-pity? MEEE NEITHERRRRRRQQ777774W@!!!!!