This poor woman. Probably thought she was going to be advertising a new bacon cheeseburger. Nope. You are now the paradigm of obesity in America. Such are the dangers of modeling for a stock image company.

Color-Blind Taste Test

I love things whose color is also their flavor. It just simplifies the whole process of food selection. Well... candy selection. I don't know too many well-balanced meals that fall into this category. And I'm not talking about stuff that looks different, but tastes the same (e.g., M&Ms [Note: M&Ms do not have flavors, Liv]) or things that have specific flavors (e.g., a lemon Starburst).

These are foods that, when presented with a choice, the selection-response is given in the form of a color, not a flavor. Regardless of whether or not there is an intended flavor—the classification is purely chromatic. I suppose it's the confectionery equivalent of racial stereotyping.

Not exactly what I was talking about, but look-- I made a soda name/color rainbow!

Patronus To-Go

This is a list of fast food restaurants and what animal I think best represents them.

_________________________________________________________
McDonalds-- a horse with three legs

Wendy’s-- a person with red hair

Taco Bell-- an anthropomorphic cactus

KFC-- some kind of octopus

Burger King-- Zapdos, the thunderbird

Subway-- a rat-king

Quiznos-- a watermelon with a face drawn on it

Popeye’s-- any dead house pet

Arby’s-- a giant tuna

Hardee’s/ Carl’s Junior-- a fucking company who can’t make up their mind regarding brand consolidation

Chick-Fil-A-- overweight succubus

A Model Citizen

Let me start off with saying that I am not a bad person, but today I stole from a blind guy.

It all started around lunch. I had been drinking water, but my thirst was craving something more exotic; something refreshing- yet also sexual. So I meandered down to the cafeteria, where there are also vending machines. I'll spare you the drama and suspense of picking what soda to get, and just tell you; I got root beer. I reach for my wallet, only to find that the only cash I have is a $5 bill.

Now I respect my work's decision to employee a visually disabled gentleman in a non-trivial job. However. I do not think that a cashier is the best job for someone who can't see. I'm sure that in the plethora of possible jobs, there was at least one that was less reliant on sight. Maybe it's just my misanthropic nature, but I'm seeing an obvious potential for exploitation here. And, no, not everyone- and not Oceans 11-style larceny. But passing off a $1 as a $5? Or not mentioning that you also grabbed a Snickers? I know I'm not the only one who's thinking this, which means somebody has probably acted on it.

Which brings us to today. I was in line for change, my $5 in my hand. When it was my turn, I said "Could I have five $1s for this $5?" while cautiously looking back at the person behind me, as if they were going to vouch for me. Without hesitation he took my bill, and handed me my change. Of course, not wanting to be disrespectful and belittling, I slipped the money into my pocket without counting it. I then got two $1s, and purchased my soda.

When I got back to my desk, and was putting the cash in my pocket into my wallet, I noticed that there were four- not three- one dollar bills. I knew I only had a $5, so you can imagine my momentary confusion, then sudden realization that I had received an inappropriate amount of money from a blind cashier. My first thought was to go back and return the money (see? I'm a theoretically good-person). But then I thought that not only would I be pointing out his minor monetary failure, but that he would have no idea who I was- I'd be a random person giving him a dollar. I then imagined the scenario where I give him a dollar, and in return, getting a pencil that says "Jesus loves you". No. This man is proud. He does not need charity, and he does not need pandering. He wants to be treated as an equal. And personally, I see it as a point of moral fortitude that I, humble as I am, treated a blind cashier with the same self-serving greed that I would show any other cashier. Because that's the American way; taking advantage of everyone equally. God bless you Americans with Disabilities Act, and the corrupt justifications you allow. God bless every one.

Oh Food Pyramid. You so Random.

That's the logo for the USDA's new MyPlate initiative, replacing the old (but still newer) vertical food pyramid, which, in 2005, replaced the iconic food pyramid I grew up with. Which is good, because the 1992 one sent some mixed messages. For example.

On the left we have the ubiquitous food pyramid. On the right, an example of a traditional caste system. Yeah. And they wonder why an entire generation of kids are obese; we were told that chocolate was the king of all foods.

Taken in the context of food groups: sugar and oils would be the ruling class, vegetables would be unskilled workers (no offense quadriplegics), and grains would be untouchable. That's right, don't even think about touching that biscuit, OLIVIA.

There were also other objections to this design, some more well-founded than others.

The 2005 one was a little less segregational, implying that all foods are created equal- and that man has conquered them! Unfortunately, this rang dissident with our notions of pyramidal design, as such a building would certainly be unable to stand. Where are the load bearers? Why are there multiple dimensions occurring? Where is that man's torso? For one reason or another, they decided to kick this one after only 6 years. Which in government- aint to shabby! (Zing!)

So now we have the bastard child of a pie-graph and a Denny's meal telling us what to eat. And I'm fine with that. I'll just be sure to get my 50% fruits and vegetables, 50% protein and grains, and uh...110% milk?