“Sources say that Governor Williams was in possession of several underage Vietnamese boys which he used as sex slaves. The Governor’s office could not be reached for comment.”
Regardless of minor details (such as: that my source is a homeless lady with a milk-jug helmet, and that the office couldn’t be reached because I was too lazy to look up the number) that statement is factually sound. Libel, you say? Go ahead. Find me evidence that there WASN’T a government funded sex slave dungeon in an abandoned warehouse near the docks. That brings me to my next point; the wonderful world of jargon!
Call it legalese, or double-speak, but with a few minor substitutions you can soften even the most heinous proclamations. Let’s build on the previous example by generating a response from the Governor’s office (Note the softening of the loaded term ‘sex slave’)
“The Governor may or may not have employed certain physically obligated coital assistants during his tenure, but I assure you that at this time, the administration is launching a full investigation into the matter.”
This is what we call a power play. The fact that they claim to be launching an investigation is another way of saying ‘give us a month or two to clean up this mess.’ Luckily, there’s a fail-safe counter move; the muckraker.
Little more than a voyeur, the muckraker’s job is to invade any and all aspects of a person’s life with the sole intention of destroying that person’s public image. The journalistic equivalent of a trailer-trash talk show, muckrakers aren’t content with merely inconveniencing a target. No, they want Jerry Springer style drama: transsexual prostitutes, illegitimate baby-mama drama, closeted homosexual and/or Klansman. Let’s observe.
“In shocking hidden-camera footage obtained by our own Connie Loradopolis, we see what appears to be then-Governor Williams dressed in leather and tied to a bed, with several unnamed individuals putting clothespins on his nipples.”
Granted, Connie Loradopolis paid a local S&M club to act out this scene and had her news team produce it (as evidenced by the high production value, including star-wipes and editing for continuity) but by this point it doesn’t matter. The damage is done; the final blow delivered. Resignation is almost inevitable, but responsibility is far from it. Here’s what Governor Williams would say in his speech:
“In light of recent accusations brought against myself, my office, and my core values, I have talked and prayed with my family, and feel that it is no longer in the best interest of the state, and it is no longer in the best interest of my family, that I remain in office. In no way does this mean I accept these allegations as true; I don’t even like Asians that much. At this time, I hereby cede control of the great state of Texas to my very capable Lt. Governor, Jeffrey Dahmer (no relation). Thank you all for your support, and God Bless.”
Translation, “F*ck all of you- I’m out.”
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