They're Like Tramp Stamps for Your Car

I’ve never understood bumper stickers. Granted some are meant to entertain, and some are a testament to your child’s ability to maintain a C-average; but then there are the stickers that attempt to address some political and social issues. And not the election-themed political stickers; although annoying, those are at least understandable. No, we’re talking about the religious-Right themed bumper stickers. Most are either about how abortion makes Jesus cry, or how America is falling into some communistic moral decay.

However, if I forgo my tendency to avoid the people who would buy these, I’d be very interested in asking them why they’d put those stickers on their car; I would legitimately like to know what mindset drives someone to slap a bible verse on the back of their Hyundai. I mean, are they trying to get some hard-evidence, you know, in case Jesus hops down and wants to know who’s on his team? Or maybe they feel that by having these thought-fragments plastered to their bumper, they’re going to cause some lost soul driving in the carpool lane to have a deep, existential epiphany. Lordy lordy, I know every time I see that “Pope Benedict Says: ‘Choose Life.’” I become opposed to abortion (that is until I see another bumper sticker like “Charlie Manson Says: ‘Don’t Choose Life.’”)

Perhaps the most perplexing, and downright blasphemous, occurrence involves the defiling of the sacred comic Calvin and Hobbes, to show a Calvin look-a-like kneeling before a cross in prayer. Putting one of these stickers up can only mean two things: First, it could be a semi-satirical statement, mocking the also-blasphemous ‘Calvin peeing on some logo’ stickers that red necks enjoy oh-so-much. The second and much worse implication involves an enjoyment of the comic, but also a simultaneous desire to twist the main character’s personality to fit one’s own twisted tastes. (In case you’re not familiar with the Calvin and Hobbes body of work, A. Get the hell out, and B. Calvin is a notoriously free spirited little boy, whose sharp wit and keen insight have no place in organized religion) To put my offence into perspective, seeing one of these stickers is like the Pope seeing a sticker of Jesus double-teaming two black-Jewish dudes. Yeah, I know, these people should be ashamed of themselves.