Spongebob Squarepants: Truth and Reconciliations

As a critic of the fine arts, I have often found my self sprawled out on the couch in my boxers, watching a three hour block of Spongebob Squarepants. After 45 minutes or so, the episodes all sort of blend together into an undersea blur of yellow and pink, but there seems to be a reoccurring theme of things being destroyed and no one having to take responsibility for it. According to the official SBSP WIki, the Krusty Krab has been destroyed on 14 different occasions. I can't even imagine the premiums that Mr. Krabs has to pay on his insurance policy. Maybe that's why he's always so miserly... The point is, there's no inter-episode continuity. Like, why hasn't Squidward sought out a restraining order against Spongebob and Patrick? Or how does Sandy maintain a underwater biome, without any apparent means of air filtration or root system for the tree in her "Tree Dome".

Well, I'm tired of the show not taking a more realistic stance, so, as a result I've been working on a screenplay for the show. Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourself for: Spongebob Squarepants: Truth and Reconciliation

…

SCENE ONE


(Spongebob sits in his chair watching television, a look of existential confusion laid across his face. The flickering glow of the TV set can be seen in flashes of light against his weathered facade)

Gary: Meauuuuuuuu

Spongebob: Shut your whore mouth Gary.

(Just then there is a knock at the door, shortly followed by a larger knock that knocks the door from its hinges, revealing Patrick and leaving an open entrance to the Pineapple)

Patrick: SPONGEBOB

Spongebob: Are you fucking kidding me? Why would that even be an option when going to someone's house?

Patrick: But Spongebob I didn't thin--

Spongebob: 'But Spongebob', you're god damn right you didn't think! You never think! In fact, I'm almost positive you have some moderate to severe mental condition.

Patrick: But Spongebob…I…I just wanted to come over to tell you something…

Spongebob: What. What could you POSSIBLY have to tell me?

Patrick: Spongebob…I have AIDS.

Gary: Meauuuuuuu!

Spongebob: (in utter awe) Oh…oh god. Patrick…but how?

Patrick: I've had HIV for years now. I hope you understand why I never told you; I was afraid you'd treat me different.

Spongebob: How long do you have?

Patrick: Not long. The doctors say that at the rate it's going, I won't make it past the holidays.

(The room is filled with tension as Sandy walks in)

Sandy: Well howdy ya--

Spongebob and Patrick: SHUT THE FUCK UP SANDY

(Sandy is clearly deeply hurt by the outburst. She runs away crying, leaving Spongebob and Patrick to think about what just happened.)

-End Scene-

SCENE TWO

(Spongebob begrudgingly walks into the Krusty crab only to find Mr. Krabs being handcuffed by several flounder in uniform)

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, what's happening?

Mr. Krabs: Spongebob me boy, you know you've always been like a son to me. And I've always seen myself as a father to you.

Spongebob: I don't understand- where are they taking you?

Officer: Mr. Krabs here was caught embezzling funds, violating several labor laws, and misled his shareholders by reporting a false margin of profits.

Mr. Krabs: I did no such thing! You landlubbers don't have shit on me.

(Officer 2 stands up from behind Mr. Krabs desk)

Officer Two: Really? How bout this, SCUMBAG

(The Officer hold up a syringe and a spoon that has been charred black. In his other hand, he holds a small bag filled with heroin)

Mr. Krabs: (sensing that he has been cornered, makes a break for the Officer) I'LL KILL YE! I'LL KILL YE ALL!

Gary: Meauuuuuuu!

(In the midst of the struggle, the Officer loses control of the needle, and it lands firmly in the back of Spongebob's neck)

Spongebob: Arughhhh! AURGHHHHHHHHH

(A desperate Mr. Krabs has managed to pull a revolver from his waste and points it at the Officers)

Mr. Krabs: THINK YOU CAN TAKE OLE EUGENE KRABS EH?

Officer One: PUT THE GUN DOWN. I SAID PUT IT DOWN.

Mr. Krabs: (glancing at Spongebob; softly) I'm sorry me boy…

(Mr. Krabs puts the barrel of the gun to his temple and pulls the trigger. Bits of shell and circulatory fluid spray over the office. Several pieces land on Spongebob, who still has the needle in him. He is unarguably dead)

Spongebob: AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

-End Scene-

SCENE THREE

(Spongebob is back at his house, his shirt still stained with the leftovers of Mr. Krabs' suicide. Patrick comes in the still broken door frame that has now been temporarily covered with a blue tarp)

Patrick: Hey Spongebob. I heard about what happened today. Pretty crazy stuff…

Spongebob: Fuck you. You don't know anything. And ugh, my neck really hurts!

Patrick: What happened?

Spongebob: I got poked by Mr. Krabs' needle in the midst of all the fighting

Patrick: …

Spongebob: What?

Patrick: Spongebob…did you say the needle belonged to Mr. Krabs?

Spongebob: (with a growing concern) Yeah, why?

Patrick: Spongebob…Mr. Krabs was my lover. He's who I got HIV from. Spongebob…he had AIDS.

Spongebob: Wha…No…No, that's not possible. This can't be happening. NO. NOOOOO.

Patrick: (breaking down in tears) I'M SORRY BUDDY! WHAT HAVE WE DONE WITH OUR LIVES

(After a few minutes the two regain their composure)

Spongebob: Wow. It's amazing how quickly your life can just…float away.

Patrick: Don't you see? That's why we have to cherish the moment; we have to enjoy life while there's life to be had.

Spongebob: You know what? You're right. From now on, I'm not going to work 130 hour weeks; I'm going to volunteer; I'm going to climb a mountain; I'm not going to take anything for granted anymore!

Gary: Meau?

Spongebob: Fuck off Gary.

Gary: …Meau

Spongebob: At least we still have each other to enjoy life with.

Patrick: You said it buddy

(The two meet for a warm embrace)

(Moments later a silhouette falls upon the friends. The shadow belongs to Sandy, who, still livid from her prior treatment, strapped explosives to her chest, and is holding a detonator)

Spongebob: Oh my god...

Sandy: GOD CAN'T SAVE YOU NOW-- I BET YOU WISH YOU HADN'T FUCKED WITH THIS SQUIRREL NOW, EH BOYS??

(All scream, and for a fleeting moment, time appears to stand still. Sandy presses the detonator, causing the extensive amount of C4 on and around her body to explode in a violent cataclysm that leaves no one alive.)

-End Scene-

…

It's a bit of a work in progress, but I've already CC'd a copy to the folks at Nickelodeon, and am currently (and eagerly!) awaiting a reply!If it gets green-lighted as like a 'series ender', I've already decided that I want iCarly to do all the songs.