No John Hanson, Get Your Weak Shit Outta Here

Yesterday was Presidents’ Day; a holiday created to memorialize our nation’s great leaders.

Except not so much.

First things first, there is no such holiday as President’s Day. According to section 6103(a) of title 5 of the United States Code of law, yesterday (Monday, February 20th) was the Federal holiday designated “Washington’s Birthday”. While the Office of Personnel Management acknowledges that “other institutions such as state and local governments and private businesses may use other names,” there simply is no such holiday as Presidents’ Day.

And it’s not like this is comes as a surprise to anyone really. Watch this: What number president is Barack Obama? How bout this one: What President holds the record for shortest term? Or: How many Presidents have died in office? No? Anyone?

And this is why it’s fitting that there is no such thing as Presidents’ Day; Americans are just too stupid or too ignorant- or any combination of the two. Of course that doesn’t stop us (but really, when has it ever) from celebrating the concept of ‘Presidents.’ How else could we justify an extra day off in February? And what other excuse would our used car dealerships have for making horrendous savings-based historical puns? But telling lies and cherry pies aside, I suppose it’s not that bad overall. At least Presiden—er, Washington’s Birthday isn’t completely amorphous and intangible (Memorial Day) or borderline offensive (Columbus Day), and I for one never object to sleeping in. So go ahead- only remember Chester A. Arthur from that scene in Die Hard 2, or think that Lincoln was the 5th President because he happens to be on the 5 dollar bill—after all, it’s the American way.



Answers: 44th; William Henry Harrison (31 days); 8 total, 4 by assassination