A Vague Reference To the Post's Theme...

I’ve been blogging long enough that I feel I should let my loyal reader see up my blog’s metaphorical skirt, and get a glimpse of how the magic happens.

First, I use a categorically pessimistic outlook on life to find some topic that is slightly unfavorable to me. I take said topic, and attack it from an extreme (and often silly!) position; usually expressing a fanatical religious or social overtone.

I go on to ask a series of rhetorical questions (which—let me tell you, are total softballs) which I answer in statements made only to further my otherwise-indefensible viewpoint. I try to work in a topical reference, or allude to some nominal current event, but I like to stay as far away from quote ‘facts’ un-quote as I can.

Somewhere in the post, I usually provide the reader with a series of examples to support my point. Usually three; the first two being somewhat reasonable, albeit slightly off, and then I like to make the third example an absurd contrast. The trick is to maintain a dead-pan writing style, so as to never break the illusion of being a cynical asshole.

Occasionally I’ll add a chart or picture I drew in MS Paint, or I’ll post some picture (usually whatever was the top hit from a casual Google Image search). Other times I’ll create a fake transcript or new story, ascribing it to an outside source. I almost always get bored or stop caring toward the end of a post, and usually run out of steam, resulting in a half-assed and abrupt ending.

Send This to 100 Other Readers Or Your Niece Will DIE!!

How are the "EnLaRgE YoUr PeNi$" junk emails still around? They've been nothing but a running gag for years. It scrabbles the mind to think someone, somewhere is paying enough money to entice the sender to perpetuate their spamming after all these years. Granted, in recent times I've also been getting a lot of spam regarding Canadian pharmacy drugs you can order* for up to 70% off!!!! which I can only assume is the natural progression of the spam; adapting to outsmart the junk email filters. Darwin would be so proud. And if he acted now, he could get some cheap Cialis shaped like Tic-Tacs.



*I'm assuming you order them. They might email you the pills to print out instead, though.

News of the Whirled

Saw this was the top story on FoxNews.com; thought I'd share.


Congress Votes to Raise the Bullshit Ceiling
(Washington, DC)--Freshman Republican Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Etard) has authored a bill in the House that would raise the level of Bullshit Congress is allow to produce. In an enigmatic statement at a recent press conference, Chaffetz remarked:

“I. WILL. NOT. VOTE. FOR. ANY. PLAN. HAVE. TAXES.” he then added, “JOBS. [cheers] FREEDOM. [cheers] AMERICA. [cheers] EAGLES. [hesitant cheers] RACE CARS [confused silence, follow by Rep. Chaffetz pretending to drive a car]"

The plan has received wide-spread backing from Tea Party activists, as well as coprophiliacs. The House contends that if the Bullshit Ceiling is not raised by the August 2nd deadline, there is a chance that the capital may back-up and overflow large quantities of bullshit.

One of the most outspoken supporters of the bill, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Equiringinstitutionalization), has stressed a personal desire for the bill to be passed before her presidential campaign gets into full swing.

Dingo Soccer England Unicorn

Being a commuter (or a “Beltway Bandit” as none would say) I spend a lot of time in the car. Most of which occurs at slow to no speeds. So in order to maintain sanity, I have three possible choices: listen to my iPod, sever my ties to reality and slowly spiral into a delusional fantasy world, or listen to the radio. We’ll talk about the first two later. They’re beside the point anyway. The radio is a device that picks up electromagnetic waves transmitted at pre-determined frequencies from broadcast towers, so that everyone can hear the same six songs, uninspired social commentary, but most of all, an endless onslaught of advertisements. Now I could go on about the ocean of bad ads on the radio, but frankly, I prefer a more challenging target; enter NPR.

National Public Radio has my favorite advertisements. Because they assume their listeners are more… refined than the average folk (ha, suckersssss) they sell their ad time to a lot of big-name corporations: Intel, Boeing, Lockheed-Martin, ect. Now what I love about these ads, or as they’re technically called “underwriting spots”, is that they’re all structured around one core principle: use as many buzzwords in 30 seconds as is grammatically possible. One of my favorite ad-producers is the company General Dynamics Information Technology. If the company’s name itself isn’t enough to get you synergized, they describe themselves as “A top tier integrator of mission-critical IT systems.” And then there’s Raytheon. With such gems as: “Raytheon, committed to delivering integrated, customized, life-cycle Mission Support solutions for customers around the globe.” and my personal favourite, “Raytheon, committed to Global ISR solutions that provide situational awareness and intelligence for tactical and strategic objectives.” It’s as if they had a list of buzzwords, and just went down circling which ones tangentially fit their company.


This brings me to the main reason for this post; Dynamic System Enterprises United.



Founded in 2011, after visiting the Wikipedia page on “buzzwords”, DSEU is an employee-owned, privately-traded, translucently-open business entity. Here's the official description from the would-be website:

“Dynamic System Enterprises United: A Client-Centered Consulting Firm Committed to Next-Generation Information Analytics and Strategic Resource Allocation

With a combined experience of over 40 years, it’s no wonder that more people trust DSEU with their operational and mission critical issues. Using a synergy-based approach, our team members utilize state-of-the-art techniques and resources to ensure effective and sustainable paradigm shifts that help foster Your Company- 2.0

Services Offered Include:

• 
  
  Critical Document Management and Data Streamlining


• 
  
  Holistic Business-to-Customer Relations


• 
  
  Enhancing User-Based Interpersonal Communication Systems


• 
  
  Content Digitization and Workflow Optimization


• 
  
  Goal-Oriented Organic Growth Solutions


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  Aggregated Modernization for Modular-Based Global Economics
  

At DSEU, we help you, help us reach yesterday's tomorrow- today."