Chicken Soup for the Asshole

“It’s darkest just before the dawn”

Fortune-cookie philosophers and badly written pop-songs aside, this tired cliché has caught my ear too many times to ignore. Let’s break it (and them) down.

1. A terrestrial observer views the maximum solar brightness when the sun’s rays have the most direct trajectory; overhead, at its zenith.
2. The opposite of the observer’s position is called the antipode, a diametric transversal of the Earth. For most Americans, this would be somewhere in the southern portion of the Indian Ocean. 
3. From the point of view of the observer, the sun is at its nadir (directly “below”). This is the least direct path from the sun to the observer.
4. All points before and after provide more light than at the nadir.

The Earth’s orbit and rotation admittedly affect what time this occurs, but it is always the point that is furthest between sunrise and sunset; the elliptical middle. Not just before the dawn. I realize that this goes against the blind optimism of the learnedly helpless, who believe that “…whenever you feel you’re at the darkest moment of your life, remember sunrise is just a moment away!” but in reality, you’ve got at least 6 more hours of soul crushing agony and despair.

Now, were these pretentious poets to replace ‘darkest’ with, say, ‘most dangerous’, and then only apply the saying to descriptions of the Battle of Helm’s Deep-- I’d have no problems. In that case, yes, dawn did signify a drastic improvement in the situation. Any other usage is just a sad testament to delusion and self-denial.

Patronus To-Go

This is a list of fast food restaurants and what animal I think best represents them.

_________________________________________________________
McDonalds-- a horse with three legs

Wendy’s-- a person with red hair

Taco Bell-- an anthropomorphic cactus

KFC-- some kind of octopus

Burger King-- Zapdos, the thunderbird

Subway-- a rat-king

Quiznos-- a watermelon with a face drawn on it

Popeye’s-- any dead house pet

Arby’s-- a giant tuna

Hardee’s/ Carl’s Junior-- a fucking company who can’t make up their mind regarding brand consolidation

Chick-Fil-A-- overweight succubus

Till Beth Do Us Part

I'm sure that everyone has seen bumper stickers like this (you know my thoughts on bumper stickers loyal reader)

Mathematical flaws aside, I decided to do some investigating. Turns out the group that sells these has a website that elaborates on the 'equation.' And it turns out they're not showing you the whole picture.

This is the organization's website. As you can see, the area boxed off is what they print on the sticker. The rest is a liiiiiittle more complicated. Here's the description from the site:

"Marriage, in God's eyes, is between a man and a woman. However, God also allows divorce and re-marriage (as long as it's to another woman). Children can be a big strain on marriage, and over time, can lead to a spiritual exodus (or as it's called in the secular world a 'mid-life crisis'). This can result in the family being parted like the Red Sea, with one portion finding a new heterosexual partner, and the other finding multiple, much younger, heterosexual partners. So long as the couple stay bound by the legal and spiritual-technicalities of marriage, no sin as been committed."

Obviously the FULL marriage equation is too complex to fit on the back of your car. But maybe you nay-sayers will think twice before saying the churches views on marriage are too "narrow."

Send This to 100 Other Readers Or Your Niece Will DIE!!

How are the "EnLaRgE YoUr PeNi$" junk emails still around? They've been nothing but a running gag for years. It scrabbles the mind to think someone, somewhere is paying enough money to entice the sender to perpetuate their spamming after all these years. Granted, in recent times I've also been getting a lot of spam regarding Canadian pharmacy drugs you can order* for up to 70% off!!!! which I can only assume is the natural progression of the spam; adapting to outsmart the junk email filters. Darwin would be so proud. And if he acted now, he could get some cheap Cialis shaped like Tic-Tacs.



*I'm assuming you order them. They might email you the pills to print out instead, though.

Breaking a MENTAL Sweat

I enjoy when a product boasts vague endorsements in an attempt to legitimize their product. Huh? Expand on that. For instance, Gatorade has the slogan “For Athletes, By Athletes” which, at least on face value sounds reasonable. Hell, stick that next to a picture of LeBron James or whoever is the playvor of the week, and you’ll have a bona fide ad campaign. But call me skeptical, but I’m having a hard time picturing Peyton Manning in a lab coat, furiously scrawling notes on how to make Riptide Rush even more Rushed.

The problem is that the label “athlete” is vague to the point of meaninglessness. You play ping pong? ATHLETE. You occasionally jog? ATHLETE. You play one season of tennis in high school, but still have the racket somewhere? ATHLETE. I even consider myself an athlete; given how furiously I masturbate. You could do the ‘For _____ by _____’ in almost any circumstance. How bout a brand of pens “For Artists, By Artists”? Or clothing made “For Us, By Us”? No one would ever use such ridiculosterous advertising! Now, I feel the need to clarify that certain endorsement claims should be respected. If one finds a calculator made “For Mathletes, By Mathletes”, the specificity of those proficient in Mathletics should be given its’ due. I mean, they’re out there giving 100% despite the risk of Mathletes’ Foot, or crippling injuries.

Occupy Mainstreet

I am a patriot-- nay, a Patriot (no noun is more proper). So when I see hardworking businessmen and women, the driving force of the economy, being protested by jobless communists who want the (metaphorical) bread of society, I get filled with AmeriRage. Do you know what’s more dangerous than the banks and businesses on Wall Street? The price fixing, tax-dodging, trinket peddling sweatshops on Main Street, USA. Paying someone ‘under the table’ to help out at a family store is basically throwing America ‘under the bus.’ And don’t get me started on the communist havens known as “Farmers Markets”… the baby Idaho potato skins aren’t the only thing that’s red…

I think that the saints in suits who work on Wall Street (or their proxies) should sit in front of Mom & Pops’ General Store, and demand that these back-alley black market bazaars be placed under the same scrutiny as legitimate corporate enterprises. I’ll tell you one thing, I bet that camp of ‘occupiers’ would smell a lot less like piss and pandering…

Why are There so Many Colored People in DC Politics?

Why does the list of legislative leaders in Washington DC read like a special edition Cleveland Browns box of crayons (with built in sharpener)

*Vincent C. Gray
*Kwame R. Brown
*Vincent Orange

Fun Fact! Vincent Gray was the name of the crazy guy who shoots Bruce Willis in the 6th Sense.

[Insert Some Kind of Chicken and Egg Joke Involving Twitter]

I signed up for Twitter (@MaxxxKok). I'm having a hard time adjusting to the 140 character limit they impose on my "tweets". First of all, it encourages people not to use proper punctuation and grammar (since the first casualties of syntax-space are apostrophes) which in turn propagates overall devolution of the English language (which, for the record, does not need further advancement). Next, this place is worse than MySpace in terms of fake porn stars and ‘hot chicks’ that try to latch onto you; and the privacy settings are basically all or nothing (a suggestion, include a “NO PAINFULLY-OBVIOUS FAKE SLUTS” option)

I’ve heard Twitter called the ‘voice of the people’ and how it facilitated the Arab Spring hijinks and whatnot, but I’m seeing that little blue bird for what it really is: an oppressive avian tyrant, hell-bent on turning the world into poorly-versed simpletons who are controlled by a propaganda-weaving tribunal of fabricated soft-core starlets.

Beauty is Only Paper Deep

Maybe I’m a little OCD, maybe I’m just awesome, but I can’t stand seeing a sign/flyer/poster displayed in a public place with sub-par formatting. If you’re going to make me look at a poster-sized mess of clip and/or word “-art”, laid out on a pre-set orange and pink gradient background, at least have the courtesy of taking your own life in the hopes that nothing so terrible would ever be produced again. It boggles the mind that at some point, someone in the multimedia department said “Wow, this looks GREAT. Glen, get me a dozen 48x67” prints. We’ll put it next to those Thomas Kinkade watercolors”