ewww.

News of the Whirled

Saw this was the top story on FoxNews.com; thought I'd share.


Congress Votes to Raise the Bullshit Ceiling
(Washington, DC)--Freshman Republican Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Etard) has authored a bill in the House that would raise the level of Bullshit Congress is allow to produce. In an enigmatic statement at a recent press conference, Chaffetz remarked:

“I. WILL. NOT. VOTE. FOR. ANY. PLAN. HAVE. TAXES.” he then added, “JOBS. [cheers] FREEDOM. [cheers] AMERICA. [cheers] EAGLES. [hesitant cheers] RACE CARS [confused silence, follow by Rep. Chaffetz pretending to drive a car]"

The plan has received wide-spread backing from Tea Party activists, as well as coprophiliacs. The House contends that if the Bullshit Ceiling is not raised by the August 2nd deadline, there is a chance that the capital may back-up and overflow large quantities of bullshit.

One of the most outspoken supporters of the bill, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Equiringinstitutionalization), has stressed a personal desire for the bill to be passed before her presidential campaign gets into full swing.

Why is it that no one has bothered to replicate the findings of the Phineas Gage case-study? Is a little scientific integrity too much to ask for?



Me = Feminist

I’ve taken up a new cause. Today I am helping shatter the ‘glass ceiling’ by moving to replace all sports metaphors in the workplace with Star Wars references.

Instead of “Wow Glen- you really knocked that one out of the park!” it should now be “Wow Glen- you really blew up that Deathstar!”

Sports have an inherent masculinity and fundamental framework that constantly pits one person or team against another; thus reducing synergy. Star Wars on the other hand, is the great equalizer of our generation; anyone can watch, enjoy and then recite lines without alienating or embarrassing anyone. Let’s look at a few more examples:

Example 1

"Did you see Ken’s market-research presentation? It was par for the course…”

Becomes: “Did you see Ken’s market-research presentation? It was your basic R5-D4 astromech…”

 Example 2

“I don’t envy your situation Beth…that’s a real 7-10 split.”

Becomes: “I don’t envy your situation Beth…the odds of successfully navigating that asteroid field are approximately 3720 to 1.”

Example 3

 “Oscar- you close the account with an alley-oop to Tom.”

Becomes: “Oscar, you close the account with a Han-Solo-saves-Luke’s-X-Wing-when-he-was-targeted-by-Darth Vader to Tom.”

Example 4

“I can’t believe Cheryl actually said ‘The advent of breast augmentation has really leveled the playing field for women.”

Becomes: “I can’t believe Cheryl actually said ‘The advent of breast augmentation has really deactivated the shield generators for women.”

Example 5

“You’re leaving us for an IT position at Microsoft? Way to pull a ‘LeBron James’ ASSHOLE.”

Becomes: “You’re leaving us for an IT position at Microsoft? Way to pull a ‘Lando Calrissian’ NERFHERDER.”

So go ahead and try these out the next time you're at the copier, water cooler, or even just riding in the elevator. Who knows, maybe- just maybe- together we can make the world a better place.

Land of a Hundred Lakes

Yes, it is hot, humid, and deeply rooted in dying agro-manufacturing industries, but no; Maryland is not a Southern state.

1. Geography. If we were to take a compass-cookie-cutter, and plop it down right in heart of real-America (you heard me Alaska and Hawaii) we see that there are four (4) clearly defined regions, corresponding to the ordinal directions they occupy. “But Brian…” you may say, “…Wisconsin isn’t in the Northeast! It’s in the Mid-West doncha know.” Oh, wow really? Cause according to, um, LOGIC, the ‘Mid-West’ falls right around Four Corners. Unless you’re an ancient Egyptian cartographer, the directions are what the compass says; not what your stupid smelly face wants to say.

2. The Civil War. When it comes to Maryland in the Civil War, I will grant you that there is considerable grey area in the North/South divide. However. We’re not here to argue that Maryland is a

Northern state, just to refute false accusations of Southitude. Let’s look at the facts:

•  Maryland did not secede
•  The number of Union enlistees outnumbered the Confederate enlistees 2:1
• Upon then-Gov. Hick’s orders, Union troops had cannons aimed at Baltimore, poised to level the city should the residents defect (although, if they knew then what Baltimore is now, they would have destroyed that shit hole for the betterment of mankind).

Also, contrary to the Southern states, in present day Maryland it is not socially acceptable to fly the disgraced Confederate Flag outside of one’s home. [Side note: there’s actually a direct relationship between the number of confederate flags flying in an area and the number of gay pride flags (see Fig 1)]



Figure 1.



I know some of you may be thinking that Maryland’s post-Civil War status was nudged North in hindsight, merely siding with the victor; and to that I say, so? Prove it. Come on, I dare you. That’s what I thought.

3. Sports. There is no “Dixie Cup 500”, or “Dongbell’s Moonshine League” NASCAR events. Instead, we have the social and economic opposite of competitive driving; lacrosse- where upper-middle class white boys can prove to their dads that they’re not gay! Oh, and jousting. We have jousting. Or so they say.

4. Lastly, Jesus, and Maryland. I rest easier knowing that ‘Southern Evangelicals’ have nothing to do with either.  

Although, I’m no fool; it’s only a matter of time before they try to cross the Potomac into the North…but we’ll be waiting. You can count on that.

RFWoAiMSP: Vol II

This sessions famous work of art is Jackson Pollock's No. 5, 1948 (1948). Arguably his most famous work, the massive canvas reaches nearly 8 ft in length, and took nearly a year to finish. The original is reportedly worth $140 million dollars, making it one of (if not the) most expensive painting of all time. Note how I made an exact replica in less than 7 minutes. We'll start the bidding at a grand gentlemen...



Betcha can't tell which one is which!!!!!!!!!

2Coo4Sku

I like reading about how Google+ is flubbing up left and right. See, that’s why you don’t have huge press releases, and invite extremely high-profile people (i.e., the Zuck) to be testers. The whole point of beta-testing is to discretely address any flaws that a real-world user might face. It’s like if a cool-kid tried out for the school play, and instead of reading the lines and rehearsing, he wore sunglasses. Popularity only goes so far Google. How do I know, you ask? I was that kid.

A Model Citizen

Let me start off with saying that I am not a bad person, but today I stole from a blind guy.

It all started around lunch. I had been drinking water, but my thirst was craving something more exotic; something refreshing- yet also sexual. So I meandered down to the cafeteria, where there are also vending machines. I'll spare you the drama and suspense of picking what soda to get, and just tell you; I got root beer. I reach for my wallet, only to find that the only cash I have is a $5 bill.

Now I respect my work's decision to employee a visually disabled gentleman in a non-trivial job. However. I do not think that a cashier is the best job for someone who can't see. I'm sure that in the plethora of possible jobs, there was at least one that was less reliant on sight. Maybe it's just my misanthropic nature, but I'm seeing an obvious potential for exploitation here. And, no, not everyone- and not Oceans 11-style larceny. But passing off a $1 as a $5? Or not mentioning that you also grabbed a Snickers? I know I'm not the only one who's thinking this, which means somebody has probably acted on it.

Which brings us to today. I was in line for change, my $5 in my hand. When it was my turn, I said "Could I have five $1s for this $5?" while cautiously looking back at the person behind me, as if they were going to vouch for me. Without hesitation he took my bill, and handed me my change. Of course, not wanting to be disrespectful and belittling, I slipped the money into my pocket without counting it. I then got two $1s, and purchased my soda.

When I got back to my desk, and was putting the cash in my pocket into my wallet, I noticed that there were four- not three- one dollar bills. I knew I only had a $5, so you can imagine my momentary confusion, then sudden realization that I had received an inappropriate amount of money from a blind cashier. My first thought was to go back and return the money (see? I'm a theoretically good-person). But then I thought that not only would I be pointing out his minor monetary failure, but that he would have no idea who I was- I'd be a random person giving him a dollar. I then imagined the scenario where I give him a dollar, and in return, getting a pencil that says "Jesus loves you". No. This man is proud. He does not need charity, and he does not need pandering. He wants to be treated as an equal. And personally, I see it as a point of moral fortitude that I, humble as I am, treated a blind cashier with the same self-serving greed that I would show any other cashier. Because that's the American way; taking advantage of everyone equally. God bless you Americans with Disabilities Act, and the corrupt justifications you allow. God bless every one.

Spot the difference!

How many differences can you spot between Michele Bachmann's website a month ago, and today??

Before

After

Justice for Justice

Generally, I try to stay away from headline news as much as possible. Mostly because it depresses me to see what gets the most attention in this country. But try as I might, I was exposed to the Casey Anthony trial on Google news. Now, twelfth-trimester abortions aside, I’d like to take a minute to talk about the real issue here: why this goblin is being granted the rights of men.

Royal bloodlines aside (i.e., Jareth the Goblin King) goblins are a singularly unpleasant and unattractive race; however, this alone is not cause to exempt them from due process. No, it is their historic associations with evil powers (the forces of Sauron, the unicorn-slayers from Legend, Michele Bachmann’s Political Action Committee) and their general disregard for the law of the land leaves them a disgusting population not worthy of justice by “peers”.  So I ask again; why? Why is the goblin using the human-name “Casey Anthony” being given a trial by jury? Perhaps her goblin tribe’s shaman made a deal with the municipality for some kind of publicity/merchandizing deal- I don’t know. What I DO know is that goblins do NOT belong in courts (or indoors for that matter) and they do NOT belong on the cover of every newspaper, glaring at you with their beady little goblin-eyes. This is why trial-by-ordeal was invented people. I don’t want to see three-piece suits and closing arguments; I want- NAY- need to see water-cages, boiling oil, and geese placed on scales.

I sincerely hope this is the exception, rather than a new standard that will grant human rights to all manner of beast and fowl, that would surely throw society into a downward moral-spiral, ultimately ending in humans being reduced to pack-animals, ridden by orcs and lizard-men. When that day comes…may Akatosh have mercy on our souls…

                                   

Oh How The Time Flies

Here I am, thinking that I haven't posted in what seems to be years, and it turns out to not have been a month. I don't know whether to be depressed, confused, or indifferent. Which is ironic, since I'm usually all three. Considering that yesterday my task involved creating (and I know this number because the program listed them) 218 individual text boxes, and filling them in. Sometimes I envy those little Pakistani children that get to make soccer balls all day. Lucky little bastards...

Oh Food Pyramid. You so Random.

That's the logo for the USDA's new MyPlate initiative, replacing the old (but still newer) vertical food pyramid, which, in 2005, replaced the iconic food pyramid I grew up with. Which is good, because the 1992 one sent some mixed messages. For example.

On the left we have the ubiquitous food pyramid. On the right, an example of a traditional caste system. Yeah. And they wonder why an entire generation of kids are obese; we were told that chocolate was the king of all foods.

Taken in the context of food groups: sugar and oils would be the ruling class, vegetables would be unskilled workers (no offense quadriplegics), and grains would be untouchable. That's right, don't even think about touching that biscuit, OLIVIA.

There were also other objections to this design, some more well-founded than others.

The 2005 one was a little less segregational, implying that all foods are created equal- and that man has conquered them! Unfortunately, this rang dissident with our notions of pyramidal design, as such a building would certainly be unable to stand. Where are the load bearers? Why are there multiple dimensions occurring? Where is that man's torso? For one reason or another, they decided to kick this one after only 6 years. Which in government- aint to shabby! (Zing!)

So now we have the bastard child of a pie-graph and a Denny's meal telling us what to eat. And I'm fine with that. I'll just be sure to get my 50% fruits and vegetables, 50% protein and grains, and uh...110% milk?

Shoot for the Sun little Guy!

This came in from what I can only imagine to be a mentally-handicapped child, with a request that it be posted on the world famous brainbrianbrain blog. I hope you're reading this Judge Wallace...

"Here is a picture of my friend Mike and his dog Teeth. I drew them on the Moon because Teeth would have a lot of fun running and playing on it. Mike is wearing a grey shirt and blue jeans and he has brown hair. Teeth is pooping hard. In conclusion, space is my favorite subject. Thank you."

There Goes the Neighborhood...

Every time I click the “Next Blog” button, I think I’m going to a random blog, but I end up on a Jesusy page, or the “we’re-too-lazy-to-write-you-grandma” page of some random family’s exploits. Am I missing something? Are there a disproportionate number of these on Blogger? Or have I used the word “Jesus” too much, and somehow got tagged as a Christian blog. Well, grumble grumble, let’s just say all future references of J**** will be treated as an obscenity. Whiiiiiiich might score me some points with potential Islamic-fundamentalist readers. Or people who frequently use the censored version of the term “JIZZR”. In either case, I’m pretty excited for those new target demographics.

Looking for Job?? Here iss a Few Tip!!!!!!!!!

Picking the Right Career

When looking for a job, first think about what you like to do. Those will be the jobs that everyone else wants too; you're not special. Instead, think about what you hate, and imagine doing that every day for 40 years. If you don't see yourself committing hypothetical suicide, then you've found your career! 

Landing an Interview

Getting your foot in the door (a business term for making sure you don't get locked out on your smoke break) is all about your resume. Odds are, there will be at LEAST three people who are applying for the same job as you-- maybe as many as 500!! Bottom line; you're going to need to make your resume stand out. Take a look at the sample resume I created for myself:

You may also want to consider a video resume, but a word of caution: do NOT, I repeat, NOT submit Star Wars: Episode IV as your resume. Believe me, they don't call you- or send the DVD back.

Acing the Interview

If you're an attractive woman with C-DD size breasts, go ahead and skip to the next section. All you need to do is wear a low-cut shirt and a pencil skirt (underwear optional). For the rest of us, an interview is a combination between talking with your condescending step-father, and water boarding. They will ask you questions, questions that much of the time, they have no right asking. Where do I see myself in five years? Not living in your weird colony of  psychics...

That's why I like to go on the offensive right off the bat. Here's what I like to do:

1. Refuse to shake hands (contact indicates trust and comfort-- neither have been established; you'll look like a whore)
2. Do not sit down (standing makes you appear more threatening-- you may want to wave your arms around and make noises as well)
3. Never break eye contact (a helpful trick: imagine that their unibrow is an interview you're not bombing)
4. Interrupt their questions, and then ask/answer your own (feel free to lob yourself some softballs--favorite colors, penis size [definitely embellish here], number of pets)
5. Upon leaving, make an impression (my personal favorites are urinating in the corner, or taking a swing at the interviewer)

They Said "YES!"!!!!

If you've followed my advice thus far, then they WILL offer you the job. And immediately, you will reject it. I suggest you also make several disparaging comments about their weight, the attractiveness of the secretary, the poor performance of their stock the last quarter, or anything else that you see fit. The point here is to give YOU the power by withholding; now THEY'RE the nerdy band geek, and YOU'RE the hot girl. Now you can go fuck some jock (which would have the job equivalent of a Subway or something) Then you just live out the rest of your days in mediocrity and lament over the things you could have done. Congratulations! You just had the American Dream!!

Just had to share this.

What I Did on My Summer Rapture

I'm sure by now you've heard late-night shows take cheap shots at the no-show May 21^st 2011 end-of-times prediction (to be more specific, the rapture was to occur then; the world itself will end five months later). After investigating the "Family Radio" site, which looks like it would be more appropriate if viewed on Netscape Navigator in the year 1997, I learned so many facts about the end of days.

First of all, the May 21^st date was calculated by none other than Harold Camping (who previously predicted Jesus’ return in 1994) using facts in the bible. Except this time, he meant it; and I quote, “The Biblical evidence is too overwhelming and specific to be wrong.” There you go. The evidence is right there in the bible, right? WRONG HARRY

Using my own formula, I have calculated that Judgment Day will actually occur, and here’s why.

FACT 1: God personally wrote the bible (at least the REAL version-- The Work of God's Children Illustrated Bible)

FACT2: God is never wrong (except you know, the whole “Lucifer thing”)

CONCLUSION: Everything in the bible is a fact, therefore, it is proof.

Using the obvious signs left by God in the bible, we are able to crack the greatest code that ever existed (take THAT Dan Brown!). By highlighting certain numbers, dates and values, we can derive the exact date of Judgment day. Observe this formula:

#BNT= Number of Books in the New Testament

#BOT= Number of Books in the Old Testament

JC= Age of Jesus When He Died

#CBOE= Number of Celestial Bodies Orbiting the Earth

AgeUni= Age of The Universe

r = Radius of the Universe

Filling in the missing values we are left with:

The answer we get is Glαcgar day, which is the 12th unit of cycle Six, in the crest phase of Trênost. Yeah, turns out God didn’t use the Gregorian Calendar (est. 1582) when he made the universe, and the whole 24 hours in an Earth day? Well, apparently, he created the universe in seven days according to the planet βollmet; which has a day/night cycle of 43842934 Earth hours. In retrospect, it’s kind of embarrassing to assume the he made the entire universe based off the infinitesimally small planet of Earth. I mean, we must look sooooo conceited right now…awkwarddddddd.

But the good news is that Judgment Day was actually a hoax; it turns out that the 12^th unit of Cycle Six; Trê. is the divine equivalent of April Fool’s day. Furthermore, when one randomly picks words out of passages, and removes them from any and all context, you get the secret message:

“LOW AND BEHOLD-OH-JOY-I[God]-GOT-YOU-GOOD-DID-I- NOT?”

Well. Touché God. Touché.

Sir Russell Tyrone Jones

As everyone now knows, Arnold Schwarzenegger split up with his lady love after telling her (10 years later) that he fathered a child with a member of the ‘household staff’. Now, I’m sure the astute social commentators at TMZ are making their own poignant observations about the whole situation, but not I. Nay. Because unlike those puritanical critics, I remember a time where it was not only accepted for those in power to have illegitimate children, it was expected.

America has a long history of politicians fathering children with members of their ‘household staff’ (yeah, looking at you TJ). And before that, in the days of monarchy, it was actually a requirement for kings to impregnate anything that moved: England’s Edward the IV had 16 illegitimate children (who fared better than his legitimate children, the infamous Princes in the Tower), Pope Alexander the VI had 2, James the V of Scotland had 9, Alexander the II of Russia had 7, and the Louis from XIV-XVI all had like 20 little bastards. Ironically, notorious ladies’ man Henry VIII is credited with only two illegitimate children (although I’m sure in the Catholic Church’s eyes, all children born in latter marriages lacked legitimacy).

Historically speaking, having a bastard child is about as politically correct as you can get. I wouldn’t be surprised if Arnie would up as the next King of Austria (you’d better watch out Archduke Karl Thomas Robert Maria Franziskus GeorgBahnam Habsburg-Lothringen…)

Bachmann 2012!!!

I Might Be The Coolest Person Ever

While I would never play online games whilst at work, when I’m trying to kill time at home on the weekend, I’ve been known to play a game or two. Unfortunately, most online games are downright terrible. So I keep it simple; puzzle games, skill games, games not based on Nickelodeon shows. There’s a version of Tetris online as well as a few other knock-offs of classic games.

[Extended side note. The blocks featured in Tetris (called tetrominoes) are composed of four blocks (hence the tetra- prefix), arranged into 5 unique shapes (7 unique shape-orientations in 2-D ). They are:

In reading-order: “I”, “J”, “L”, “O”, “S”, “T”, “Z”

Oddly enough they don’t have cute names like the ghosts from Pac Man, but that’s probably due to the fact that they were created in Soviet Russia.]

Tetris succeeds as a game because it’s so simple. It turns the elimination of a row of blocks into a joyous occasion. The minimalist nature of the game means it its replay value is very slow to diminish; it’s got a quantitative aspect that makes you want to keep playing. There’s no plot, no defined characters, only two control buttons-- and that results in hours of fun. I bring this up because for a while now I’ve been wanting to express a burning sentiment; I hate Mario. I think Super Mario Bros. is one of the most overrated games ever. And here’s why.

And it’s not just Super Mario Bros., no- I’m including Super Mario Land, Mario 64, Paper Mario, etc. The gameplay falls into a bell-curve valley somewhere between the simple, yet rewarding repetition of Tetris, and the immensely complex RPGs; the worst of both worlds. Maybe the human-like quality of the game that creates some kind of “Uncanny Valley” effect, where you kiiiiind of want to care, but then there’s nothing to latch on to. Here's a graphic representation:

So in summation:

• The plots are anything but captivating: “Oh no, the princess has been captured. Again.”
• There’s no character attachment: You can’t ‘level up’, there’s no customizations [in content or appearance], and no character development.
• Tedious actions that must be repeated in different contexts to achieve a lackluster goal: Jump! Run! Go ‘WOO HOO’! (Repeat)

Either give me a one-shot, mind numbing proto-game to pass the time, or over 300 hours of highly immersive gameplay that might cause cerebral overload; don’t give me a washed-up plumber jumping on turtles.

Seize and Assist

Looks like our old friends at The Inkhorn have been stepping on the wrong people's toes...

Well Hello There...

Apparently there's an updated editor (if you read the comments on my last post, you know my frustrations). Let's take it for a test post...

The ugly girl sat upon a porcelain chair, spiders and mayonnaise in her hair...

This is Poodonkis. He's a Dromiceiomimus!

As the great actor of stage and film C. Thomas Howell once said (as Ponyboy Curtis, quoting Robert Frost)

"Nothing gold can stay."

But here are the reasons he was wrong:

1. Gold does not oxidize in water or air, giving it a very long natural life
2. Historically, Gold have demonstrated its staying power by being valued across all cultures and periods
3. The Golden Girls were old as shit
4. Gold is the only metal capable of killing bizarro-werewolves.

C.A. Meeting

I’d like to take some time and address an issue that many people either don’t want to talk about, or refuse to take seriously; chocoholism.

In the Unites States alone, there are over 50 million chocoholics, many of which are self-diagnoses. Currently, the DSM-IV does not recognize chocoholism as a disease, nor does the ICD-10 (although there have been numerous calls for it to appear in the next version of both) so empirical definition of the disease is difficult. A chocoholic can usually be identified by:

1. A strong desire or “craving” for chocolate and/or chocolate-based products
2. An intense sense of euphoria once the craving has been satisfied, often followed by feelings of guilt and regret
3. The purchase and storage of quantities of chocolate; called a “stash”

Chocoholism can lead to obesity, type II diabetes, tooth decay, sticky fingers, and paranoid delusions accompanied by detachment from reality. Statistically, more women are chocoholics than men; experts think this is because women are just crazy- am I right guys?? Others call chocolate a ‘gateway drug’, saying it opens up doors to more dangerous addictions (e.g., heroin, peanut butter).

Although chocolate is regulated under by the FDA, chocolate lobbyists have coerced congress not to pass any anti-chocolate laws, offering them bribes (particularly around Christmas and Easter). Also controversial is the tendency for ‘Big Chocolate’ to target America’s youth in their ad campaigns, a move some critics say is setting children up for a lifelong problem.

Chocolate-based anthropomorphic characters have drawn comparisons to the
use of the now infamous “Joe Camel” of Camel Cigarette

Odds are that you know someone who is a struggling with chocoholism. The most important thing you can do is let them know you are there to support them. Know the signs. Seek treatment for them. And if need be, tell the to get their fat ass to the gym.

There is no reason why a recovered chocoholic shouldn't be able to live a healthy, productive, enjoyable life.

This Entry Will Cite Nothing

The majority of my job involves pandering to science journals, and their ridiculous specifications; the most unreasonable of which are the reference styles. There are three core science-styles; AMA, APA and ACS (sorry MLA, you just don’t cut it). As if this referential triumvirate isn’t bad enough, there are literally hundreds of journal-specific modifications, the majority of which involve comma placement and italics. The worst part is that the journals know that anyone who wants to be published has to conform to their specific style. They’re like divas, who demand subservience and trivial gestures before they’ll perform. Just look at the following description I found for prima donna:

“…someone who behaves in demanding, often temperamental, fashion revealing an inflated view of themselves, their talent, and their importance.”

Anyone who has ever conducted research knows that that statement accurately describes 90% of all journals available today. The other 10% can be summed up in one word: …NERDS…

HAHAHAHA!

GO MIDTOWN FOOTBALL!! WOOOO!!!!

eh? eee…I.O.U. (and sometimes, why?)

This was the top story on Google news; apparently it got leaked. I don't know how I feel about this...

RFWoAiMSP: Vol. I

I’d like to introduce a new reoccurring segment called “Recreating Famous Works of Art in MS Paint”

For the first installment, I will be replicating Grant Wood’s famous period-piece, American Gothic (1930).

Note the stern face of the male, juxtaposed with the confused and far-off gaze of the female (perhaps she is a Communist- we don't know). The omission of the barn is symbolic because barns are used for storing things, which implies ownership, whereas the persons here are without possessions (other than a pitchfork) probably because their Communist leaders took them all. Also of note is the lack of windows; only one is present. Perhaps this is representative of the farmer's lack of introversion- that we can only see in so much. Lastly, the shading implies two suns, as can be found on the desert planet Tatooine.

Can't Spell "Chivalry" Without "HIV"

Running with the theme of the Christian-right in politics, I wondered what it would be like if America actually elected a modern-day Sith Lord (see Michele Bachmann) and everything just went to hell. The thing I’m afraid of the most is that after the collapse of society, life won’t be like Mad Max or Fallout 3, but more akin to the present day South. There’d be no armour-clad, gun toting, generally bad-ass road warriors; just tragically depressing social gaps, poorly planned and maintained infrastructure, limited education (in both quality and quantity) and a lot of inbreeding. For more description see the Wikipedia article-summary of movie The Road, based off Cormick McCarthy’s book The Road, none of which I read. It’ll be more Deliverance (1972) than Doomsday (2008) [odd reference, I know, but I really wanted the alliteration]. Although I will say, Doomsday was right that at the first sign of social collapse, society will revert to Feudalism. Partially because people are addicted to leaders, and partially cause- who wouldn’t want to be a fucking knight??

Politiking

Hearing about the Republican presidential debate, one of the clips played on the radio was about Ron Paul. Apparently he made some comment about legalizing marijuana and heroin, and ruffled a bunch of feathers. It got me thinking, not too hard, but thinking.

Mr. Paul, or “Cherry Ron” as he’s called in the bathhouses, is a libertarian from Texas, who pretty much opposes everything. Anti-government. Anti-currency. Anti-war. Anti-abortion. Anti-globalization. Anti-logic. The list goes on (and on). I’m pretty sure that this guy would only be happy if America adopted feudalism, and started using gold and/or baby skulls as currency.

I mean, from what I recall of the Articles of Confederation, there were no drawbacks to a weak central government in America. In fact, if it weren’t for those damn Federalists, who KNOWS where the Confederate States of America might be? Wait, why does that name sound familiar? Never mind. If there’s one thing that Disney and maudlin Christmas films have taught me, it’s that: deep down, people are all good-natured, and if left on their own, they will always make the most altruistic and cooperative decisions. So what if government regulation of business ensures basic standards of safety, pay and worker’s rights? To quote Thomas Jefferson’s brother, Leroy Jefferson, “Better one hundred men die from the black lung than one businessman suffer the burden of regulation.”

And isolationism was effective too. I envy the Cargo Cults and Aborigines who don’t have 'the Man' breathing down their neck, stifling their intellectual and personal growth. “Walk softly and carry a big stick”? More like, 'Mow the lawn and put up a NO TRESSPASSING sign', Teddy.

Dingo Soccer England Unicorn

Being a commuter (or a “Beltway Bandit” as none would say) I spend a lot of time in the car. Most of which occurs at slow to no speeds. So in order to maintain sanity, I have three possible choices: listen to my iPod, sever my ties to reality and slowly spiral into a delusional fantasy world, or listen to the radio. We’ll talk about the first two later. They’re beside the point anyway. The radio is a device that picks up electromagnetic waves transmitted at pre-determined frequencies from broadcast towers, so that everyone can hear the same six songs, uninspired social commentary, but most of all, an endless onslaught of advertisements. Now I could go on about the ocean of bad ads on the radio, but frankly, I prefer a more challenging target; enter NPR.

National Public Radio has my favorite advertisements. Because they assume their listeners are more… refined than the average folk (ha, suckersssss) they sell their ad time to a lot of big-name corporations: Intel, Boeing, Lockheed-Martin, ect. Now what I love about these ads, or as they’re technically called “underwriting spots”, is that they’re all structured around one core principle: use as many buzzwords in 30 seconds as is grammatically possible. One of my favorite ad-producers is the company General Dynamics Information Technology. If the company’s name itself isn’t enough to get you synergized, they describe themselves as “A top tier integrator of mission-critical IT systems.” And then there’s Raytheon. With such gems as: “Raytheon, committed to delivering integrated, customized, life-cycle Mission Support solutions for customers around the globe.” and my personal favourite, “Raytheon, committed to Global ISR solutions that provide situational awareness and intelligence for tactical and strategic objectives.” It’s as if they had a list of buzzwords, and just went down circling which ones tangentially fit their company.


This brings me to the main reason for this post; Dynamic System Enterprises United.



Founded in 2011, after visiting the Wikipedia page on “buzzwords”, DSEU is an employee-owned, privately-traded, translucently-open business entity. Here's the official description from the would-be website:

“Dynamic System Enterprises United: A Client-Centered Consulting Firm Committed to Next-Generation Information Analytics and Strategic Resource Allocation

With a combined experience of over 40 years, it’s no wonder that more people trust DSEU with their operational and mission critical issues. Using a synergy-based approach, our team members utilize state-of-the-art techniques and resources to ensure effective and sustainable paradigm shifts that help foster Your Company- 2.0

Services Offered Include:

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  Critical Document Management and Data Streamlining


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  Holistic Business-to-Customer Relations


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  Enhancing User-Based Interpersonal Communication Systems


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  Content Digitization and Workflow Optimization


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  Goal-Oriented Organic Growth Solutions


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  Aggregated Modernization for Modular-Based Global Economics
  

At DSEU, we help you, help us reach yesterday's tomorrow- today."