Oh How The Time Flies

Here I am, thinking that I haven't posted in what seems to be years, and it turns out to not have been a month. I don't know whether to be depressed, confused, or indifferent. Which is ironic, since I'm usually all three. Considering that yesterday my task involved creating (and I know this number because the program listed them) 218 individual text boxes, and filling them in. Sometimes I envy those little Pakistani children that get to make soccer balls all day. Lucky little bastards...

Oh Food Pyramid. You so Random.

That's the logo for the USDA's new MyPlate initiative, replacing the old (but still newer) vertical food pyramid, which, in 2005, replaced the iconic food pyramid I grew up with. Which is good, because the 1992 one sent some mixed messages. For example.

On the left we have the ubiquitous food pyramid. On the right, an example of a traditional caste system. Yeah. And they wonder why an entire generation of kids are obese; we were told that chocolate was the king of all foods.

Taken in the context of food groups: sugar and oils would be the ruling class, vegetables would be unskilled workers (no offense quadriplegics), and grains would be untouchable. That's right, don't even think about touching that biscuit, OLIVIA.

There were also other objections to this design, some more well-founded than others.

The 2005 one was a little less segregational, implying that all foods are created equal- and that man has conquered them! Unfortunately, this rang dissident with our notions of pyramidal design, as such a building would certainly be unable to stand. Where are the load bearers? Why are there multiple dimensions occurring? Where is that man's torso? For one reason or another, they decided to kick this one after only 6 years. Which in government- aint to shabby! (Zing!)

So now we have the bastard child of a pie-graph and a Denny's meal telling us what to eat. And I'm fine with that. I'll just be sure to get my 50% fruits and vegetables, 50% protein and grains, and uh...110% milk?

Shoot for the Sun little Guy!

This came in from what I can only imagine to be a mentally-handicapped child, with a request that it be posted on the world famous brainbrianbrain blog. I hope you're reading this Judge Wallace...

"Here is a picture of my friend Mike and his dog Teeth. I drew them on the Moon because Teeth would have a lot of fun running and playing on it. Mike is wearing a grey shirt and blue jeans and he has brown hair. Teeth is pooping hard. In conclusion, space is my favorite subject. Thank you."

There Goes the Neighborhood...

Every time I click the “Next Blog” button, I think I’m going to a random blog, but I end up on a Jesusy page, or the “we’re-too-lazy-to-write-you-grandma” page of some random family’s exploits. Am I missing something? Are there a disproportionate number of these on Blogger? Or have I used the word “Jesus” too much, and somehow got tagged as a Christian blog. Well, grumble grumble, let’s just say all future references of J**** will be treated as an obscenity. Whiiiiiiich might score me some points with potential Islamic-fundamentalist readers. Or people who frequently use the censored version of the term “JIZZR”. In either case, I’m pretty excited for those new target demographics.

Looking for Job?? Here iss a Few Tip!!!!!!!!!

Picking the Right Career

When looking for a job, first think about what you like to do. Those will be the jobs that everyone else wants too; you're not special. Instead, think about what you hate, and imagine doing that every day for 40 years. If you don't see yourself committing hypothetical suicide, then you've found your career! 

Landing an Interview

Getting your foot in the door (a business term for making sure you don't get locked out on your smoke break) is all about your resume. Odds are, there will be at LEAST three people who are applying for the same job as you-- maybe as many as 500!! Bottom line; you're going to need to make your resume stand out. Take a look at the sample resume I created for myself:

You may also want to consider a video resume, but a word of caution: do NOT, I repeat, NOT submit Star Wars: Episode IV as your resume. Believe me, they don't call you- or send the DVD back.

Acing the Interview

If you're an attractive woman with C-DD size breasts, go ahead and skip to the next section. All you need to do is wear a low-cut shirt and a pencil skirt (underwear optional). For the rest of us, an interview is a combination between talking with your condescending step-father, and water boarding. They will ask you questions, questions that much of the time, they have no right asking. Where do I see myself in five years? Not living in your weird colony of  psychics...

That's why I like to go on the offensive right off the bat. Here's what I like to do:

1. Refuse to shake hands (contact indicates trust and comfort-- neither have been established; you'll look like a whore)
2. Do not sit down (standing makes you appear more threatening-- you may want to wave your arms around and make noises as well)
3. Never break eye contact (a helpful trick: imagine that their unibrow is an interview you're not bombing)
4. Interrupt their questions, and then ask/answer your own (feel free to lob yourself some softballs--favorite colors, penis size [definitely embellish here], number of pets)
5. Upon leaving, make an impression (my personal favorites are urinating in the corner, or taking a swing at the interviewer)

They Said "YES!"!!!!

If you've followed my advice thus far, then they WILL offer you the job. And immediately, you will reject it. I suggest you also make several disparaging comments about their weight, the attractiveness of the secretary, the poor performance of their stock the last quarter, or anything else that you see fit. The point here is to give YOU the power by withholding; now THEY'RE the nerdy band geek, and YOU'RE the hot girl. Now you can go fuck some jock (which would have the job equivalent of a Subway or something) Then you just live out the rest of your days in mediocrity and lament over the things you could have done. Congratulations! You just had the American Dream!!

Just had to share this.

What I Did on My Summer Rapture

I'm sure by now you've heard late-night shows take cheap shots at the no-show May 21^st 2011 end-of-times prediction (to be more specific, the rapture was to occur then; the world itself will end five months later). After investigating the "Family Radio" site, which looks like it would be more appropriate if viewed on Netscape Navigator in the year 1997, I learned so many facts about the end of days.

First of all, the May 21^st date was calculated by none other than Harold Camping (who previously predicted Jesus’ return in 1994) using facts in the bible. Except this time, he meant it; and I quote, “The Biblical evidence is too overwhelming and specific to be wrong.” There you go. The evidence is right there in the bible, right? WRONG HARRY

Using my own formula, I have calculated that Judgment Day will actually occur, and here’s why.

FACT 1: God personally wrote the bible (at least the REAL version-- The Work of God's Children Illustrated Bible)

FACT2: God is never wrong (except you know, the whole “Lucifer thing”)

CONCLUSION: Everything in the bible is a fact, therefore, it is proof.

Using the obvious signs left by God in the bible, we are able to crack the greatest code that ever existed (take THAT Dan Brown!). By highlighting certain numbers, dates and values, we can derive the exact date of Judgment day. Observe this formula:

#BNT= Number of Books in the New Testament

#BOT= Number of Books in the Old Testament

JC= Age of Jesus When He Died

#CBOE= Number of Celestial Bodies Orbiting the Earth

AgeUni= Age of The Universe

r = Radius of the Universe

Filling in the missing values we are left with:

The answer we get is Glαcgar day, which is the 12th unit of cycle Six, in the crest phase of Trênost. Yeah, turns out God didn’t use the Gregorian Calendar (est. 1582) when he made the universe, and the whole 24 hours in an Earth day? Well, apparently, he created the universe in seven days according to the planet βollmet; which has a day/night cycle of 43842934 Earth hours. In retrospect, it’s kind of embarrassing to assume the he made the entire universe based off the infinitesimally small planet of Earth. I mean, we must look sooooo conceited right now…awkwarddddddd.

But the good news is that Judgment Day was actually a hoax; it turns out that the 12^th unit of Cycle Six; Trê. is the divine equivalent of April Fool’s day. Furthermore, when one randomly picks words out of passages, and removes them from any and all context, you get the secret message:

“LOW AND BEHOLD-OH-JOY-I[God]-GOT-YOU-GOOD-DID-I- NOT?”

Well. Touché God. Touché.