News of the Whirled

Saw this was the top story on FoxNews.com; thought I'd share.


Congress Votes to Raise the Bullshit Ceiling
(Washington, DC)--Freshman Republican Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Etard) has authored a bill in the House that would raise the level of Bullshit Congress is allow to produce. In an enigmatic statement at a recent press conference, Chaffetz remarked:

“I. WILL. NOT. VOTE. FOR. ANY. PLAN. HAVE. TAXES.” he then added, “JOBS. [cheers] FREEDOM. [cheers] AMERICA. [cheers] EAGLES. [hesitant cheers] RACE CARS [confused silence, follow by Rep. Chaffetz pretending to drive a car]"

The plan has received wide-spread backing from Tea Party activists, as well as coprophiliacs. The House contends that if the Bullshit Ceiling is not raised by the August 2nd deadline, there is a chance that the capital may back-up and overflow large quantities of bullshit.

One of the most outspoken supporters of the bill, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Equiringinstitutionalization), has stressed a personal desire for the bill to be passed before her presidential campaign gets into full swing.

Why is it that no one has bothered to replicate the findings of the Phineas Gage case-study? Is a little scientific integrity too much to ask for?



Me = Feminist

I’ve taken up a new cause. Today I am helping shatter the ‘glass ceiling’ by moving to replace all sports metaphors in the workplace with Star Wars references.

Instead of “Wow Glen- you really knocked that one out of the park!” it should now be “Wow Glen- you really blew up that Deathstar!”

Sports have an inherent masculinity and fundamental framework that constantly pits one person or team against another; thus reducing synergy. Star Wars on the other hand, is the great equalizer of our generation; anyone can watch, enjoy and then recite lines without alienating or embarrassing anyone. Let’s look at a few more examples:

Example 1

"Did you see Ken’s market-research presentation? It was par for the course…”

Becomes: “Did you see Ken’s market-research presentation? It was your basic R5-D4 astromech…”

 Example 2

“I don’t envy your situation Beth…that’s a real 7-10 split.”

Becomes: “I don’t envy your situation Beth…the odds of successfully navigating that asteroid field are approximately 3720 to 1.”

Example 3

 “Oscar- you close the account with an alley-oop to Tom.”

Becomes: “Oscar, you close the account with a Han-Solo-saves-Luke’s-X-Wing-when-he-was-targeted-by-Darth Vader to Tom.”

Example 4

“I can’t believe Cheryl actually said ‘The advent of breast augmentation has really leveled the playing field for women.”

Becomes: “I can’t believe Cheryl actually said ‘The advent of breast augmentation has really deactivated the shield generators for women.”

Example 5

“You’re leaving us for an IT position at Microsoft? Way to pull a ‘LeBron James’ ASSHOLE.”

Becomes: “You’re leaving us for an IT position at Microsoft? Way to pull a ‘Lando Calrissian’ NERFHERDER.”

So go ahead and try these out the next time you're at the copier, water cooler, or even just riding in the elevator. Who knows, maybe- just maybe- together we can make the world a better place.

Land of a Hundred Lakes

Yes, it is hot, humid, and deeply rooted in dying agro-manufacturing industries, but no; Maryland is not a Southern state.

1. Geography. If we were to take a compass-cookie-cutter, and plop it down right in heart of real-America (you heard me Alaska and Hawaii) we see that there are four (4) clearly defined regions, corresponding to the ordinal directions they occupy. “But Brian…” you may say, “…Wisconsin isn’t in the Northeast! It’s in the Mid-West doncha know.” Oh, wow really? Cause according to, um, LOGIC, the ‘Mid-West’ falls right around Four Corners. Unless you’re an ancient Egyptian cartographer, the directions are what the compass says; not what your stupid smelly face wants to say.

2. The Civil War. When it comes to Maryland in the Civil War, I will grant you that there is considerable grey area in the North/South divide. However. We’re not here to argue that Maryland is a

Northern state, just to refute false accusations of Southitude. Let’s look at the facts:

•  Maryland did not secede
•  The number of Union enlistees outnumbered the Confederate enlistees 2:1
• Upon then-Gov. Hick’s orders, Union troops had cannons aimed at Baltimore, poised to level the city should the residents defect (although, if they knew then what Baltimore is now, they would have destroyed that shit hole for the betterment of mankind).

Also, contrary to the Southern states, in present day Maryland it is not socially acceptable to fly the disgraced Confederate Flag outside of one’s home. [Side note: there’s actually a direct relationship between the number of confederate flags flying in an area and the number of gay pride flags (see Fig 1)]



Figure 1.



I know some of you may be thinking that Maryland’s post-Civil War status was nudged North in hindsight, merely siding with the victor; and to that I say, so? Prove it. Come on, I dare you. That’s what I thought.

3. Sports. There is no “Dixie Cup 500”, or “Dongbell’s Moonshine League” NASCAR events. Instead, we have the social and economic opposite of competitive driving; lacrosse- where upper-middle class white boys can prove to their dads that they’re not gay! Oh, and jousting. We have jousting. Or so they say.

4. Lastly, Jesus, and Maryland. I rest easier knowing that ‘Southern Evangelicals’ have nothing to do with either.  

Although, I’m no fool; it’s only a matter of time before they try to cross the Potomac into the North…but we’ll be waiting. You can count on that.

RFWoAiMSP: Vol II

This sessions famous work of art is Jackson Pollock's No. 5, 1948 (1948). Arguably his most famous work, the massive canvas reaches nearly 8 ft in length, and took nearly a year to finish. The original is reportedly worth $140 million dollars, making it one of (if not the) most expensive painting of all time. Note how I made an exact replica in less than 7 minutes. We'll start the bidding at a grand gentlemen...



Betcha can't tell which one is which!!!!!!!!!

2Coo4Sku

I like reading about how Google+ is flubbing up left and right. See, that’s why you don’t have huge press releases, and invite extremely high-profile people (i.e., the Zuck) to be testers. The whole point of beta-testing is to discretely address any flaws that a real-world user might face. It’s like if a cool-kid tried out for the school play, and instead of reading the lines and rehearsing, he wore sunglasses. Popularity only goes so far Google. How do I know, you ask? I was that kid.

A Model Citizen

Let me start off with saying that I am not a bad person, but today I stole from a blind guy.

It all started around lunch. I had been drinking water, but my thirst was craving something more exotic; something refreshing- yet also sexual. So I meandered down to the cafeteria, where there are also vending machines. I'll spare you the drama and suspense of picking what soda to get, and just tell you; I got root beer. I reach for my wallet, only to find that the only cash I have is a $5 bill.

Now I respect my work's decision to employee a visually disabled gentleman in a non-trivial job. However. I do not think that a cashier is the best job for someone who can't see. I'm sure that in the plethora of possible jobs, there was at least one that was less reliant on sight. Maybe it's just my misanthropic nature, but I'm seeing an obvious potential for exploitation here. And, no, not everyone- and not Oceans 11-style larceny. But passing off a $1 as a $5? Or not mentioning that you also grabbed a Snickers? I know I'm not the only one who's thinking this, which means somebody has probably acted on it.

Which brings us to today. I was in line for change, my $5 in my hand. When it was my turn, I said "Could I have five $1s for this $5?" while cautiously looking back at the person behind me, as if they were going to vouch for me. Without hesitation he took my bill, and handed me my change. Of course, not wanting to be disrespectful and belittling, I slipped the money into my pocket without counting it. I then got two $1s, and purchased my soda.

When I got back to my desk, and was putting the cash in my pocket into my wallet, I noticed that there were four- not three- one dollar bills. I knew I only had a $5, so you can imagine my momentary confusion, then sudden realization that I had received an inappropriate amount of money from a blind cashier. My first thought was to go back and return the money (see? I'm a theoretically good-person). But then I thought that not only would I be pointing out his minor monetary failure, but that he would have no idea who I was- I'd be a random person giving him a dollar. I then imagined the scenario where I give him a dollar, and in return, getting a pencil that says "Jesus loves you". No. This man is proud. He does not need charity, and he does not need pandering. He wants to be treated as an equal. And personally, I see it as a point of moral fortitude that I, humble as I am, treated a blind cashier with the same self-serving greed that I would show any other cashier. Because that's the American way; taking advantage of everyone equally. God bless you Americans with Disabilities Act, and the corrupt justifications you allow. God bless every one.

Spot the difference!

How many differences can you spot between Michele Bachmann's website a month ago, and today??

Before

After

Justice for Justice

Generally, I try to stay away from headline news as much as possible. Mostly because it depresses me to see what gets the most attention in this country. But try as I might, I was exposed to the Casey Anthony trial on Google news. Now, twelfth-trimester abortions aside, I’d like to take a minute to talk about the real issue here: why this goblin is being granted the rights of men.

Royal bloodlines aside (i.e., Jareth the Goblin King) goblins are a singularly unpleasant and unattractive race; however, this alone is not cause to exempt them from due process. No, it is their historic associations with evil powers (the forces of Sauron, the unicorn-slayers from Legend, Michele Bachmann’s Political Action Committee) and their general disregard for the law of the land leaves them a disgusting population not worthy of justice by “peers”.  So I ask again; why? Why is the goblin using the human-name “Casey Anthony” being given a trial by jury? Perhaps her goblin tribe’s shaman made a deal with the municipality for some kind of publicity/merchandizing deal- I don’t know. What I DO know is that goblins do NOT belong in courts (or indoors for that matter) and they do NOT belong on the cover of every newspaper, glaring at you with their beady little goblin-eyes. This is why trial-by-ordeal was invented people. I don’t want to see three-piece suits and closing arguments; I want- NAY- need to see water-cages, boiling oil, and geese placed on scales.

I sincerely hope this is the exception, rather than a new standard that will grant human rights to all manner of beast and fowl, that would surely throw society into a downward moral-spiral, ultimately ending in humans being reduced to pack-animals, ridden by orcs and lizard-men. When that day comes…may Akatosh have mercy on our souls…