At Least It's Not 'Hitler-Os'

Supplement to My Tweet from Earlier Today

Trying to find other evidence of the militarization of the breakfast world, I stumbled across these short-lived cereals from the 1970s. Two were mass produced; the third... not so much.

Glaucoma Must Be Rampant

Today is April 20^th. Better known as 420. Best known as an excuse for people who already smoke pot regularly, to smoke it more. Aside from bringing shares of Frito-Lay into the black, today is remarkable [Note: Literal use of the word here. Nothing special about today; just something to remark on. Ass clown.] in that it brings the marijuana legalization debate to the surface, and stirs the ever-ironic ‘pot activist’.

Armed with more off-brand medical studies and anecdotal claims than a Creationist convention, the “Legalize it” crowd is a delightful amalgamation of Grateful Dead fans who can’t let go, 20-somethings who have a Bob Marley poster in their dorm room, and your run-of-the-mill-still-live-at-home-chill-dude stoner. Like other protesters, they technically have a cause. Unlike other protesters, it’s allowing a plant to grow so they can smoke it and get high. I mean, I’m sure there’s a great deal of solidarity between these folk and say, a Syrian protester in the city of Homs, under constant threat of death. Fight the power, right? Any way to you slice it (or roll it!!! LOL) it’s about as selfish a cause as causes get. But don’t tell them that; it’ll only bring up a well-rehearsed monolog, usually featuring various arrangements of buzz words (e.g., “cannabinoids”, “medicinal use”, “Canada”) and most likely, the smell of a dirty hippie.

I'm Thinking of Getting a Subscription

A Vague Reference To the Post's Theme...

I’ve been blogging long enough that I feel I should let my loyal reader see up my blog’s metaphorical skirt, and get a glimpse of how the magic happens.

First, I use a categorically pessimistic outlook on life to find some topic that is slightly unfavorable to me. I take said topic, and attack it from an extreme (and often silly!) position; usually expressing a fanatical religious or social overtone.

I go on to ask a series of rhetorical questions (which—let me tell you, are total softballs) which I answer in statements made only to further my otherwise-indefensible viewpoint. I try to work in a topical reference, or allude to some nominal current event, but I like to stay as far away from quote ‘facts’ un-quote as I can.

Somewhere in the post, I usually provide the reader with a series of examples to support my point. Usually three; the first two being somewhat reasonable, albeit slightly off, and then I like to make the third example an absurd contrast. The trick is to maintain a dead-pan writing style, so as to never break the illusion of being a cynical asshole.

Occasionally I’ll add a chart or picture I drew in MS Paint, or I’ll post some picture (usually whatever was the top hit from a casual Google Image search). Other times I’ll create a fake transcript or new story, ascribing it to an outside source. I almost always get bored or stop caring toward the end of a post, and usually run out of steam, resulting in a half-assed and abrupt ending.

Tim Burton, Please Stop

Holy shit. This may be old news, but I just found out: In 1998 there, there was almost a Superman Movie called Superman Lives that was/contained (and I'll list these out so you can savor each one individually):

• Directed by Tim Burton
• Starring (yeah, starring) Nicholas Cage
• "Reimagining" of the Superman suit as a multi-colored, semi-translucent suit with glowing fiber optics
• A main villain that was a giant spider

Not that Superman Returns was a gem, but could you imagine the cinematic abortion that would have resulted if this movie had been made? I can only fathom that it would be the inbred offspring of Ghost Rider and Burton's Batman Returns (which itself was grotesquely campy and tastelessly done).

If you want details and images of the screamingly flamboyant Supersuit, check the links.

http://www.comicsalliance.com/2010/11/01/costume-tim-burton-superman-lives/

http://www.comicsalliance.com/2010/12/13/more-superman-lives-bad-designs-tim-burton-nicolas-cage/

This is similar to my old post about why movie directors and producers feel the need to 'make their mark' on well established franchises. There are ways to assert your creativity without destroying all previous efforts. And Tim Burton is the worst. Sleepy Hollow, Batman Returns, Planet of the Apes, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; all of them corrupted by his "unique reimaginings." He makes me so god damn angry. You're fucking weird- we get it. Now stop making movies that star the same six people as overly costumed neo-gothic characters in a one-off world. PLEASE.

JUSTICE DONT WAIT

Is there really a point to Supreme Court sketch artists? The venue never changes. The judges rarely change. I doubt the interior decor is constantly in flux. The only thing that really changes is the audience of balding men and frigid women in muted earth tone suits. God forbid I don't get the full experience of the nerdlington with the glasses sitting in the back row, or what I can only imagine to be a Barbra Bush impersonator sitting there in red. GOD FORBID.





The title of today's post is brought to you 
by my new catchphrase, courtesy of Dr. Pepper 10:
All That Fucking Taste- Just Ten Calories!



Agreed.

Spamalot

Here's a glimpse into my junk email folder.  

Most of these are pretty standard (do spammers actually think that using eastern european style accents will make words un-screenable?). I like the offer for sexy pictures from Jessica, a Christian single in my area, albeit one from an extremely sexually explicit sect of Christianity (probably a Methodist- am I right??). But my favorite is the first email, congratulating me for having someone (maybe) run a background check on me. Oh, to be so lucky...

LiDLIEU #1: Super Duper

Here's a new series of posts I like to call literal definitions lost in everyday use. Over the course of however long I feel like doing these, we'll explore the literal and/or actual meaning of common phrases, many of which have been lost or reappropriated.

For the inaugural entry we'll be looking at the phrase "party pooper". The accepted definition is more or less someone who makes shared activities less enjoyable for others, often by refusing to participate, or being the lone dissenter. The literal definition is someone who shows up to parties with the sole intention of taking a massive shit and making the place smell like holy hell, often while making loud, awkward grunts. An alternative definition involves a person who goes to a party, then very quietly and calmly shits their pants. Said person then walks around the party with a duce in their pants, making the other party goers very confused and uncomfortable.

Although the general and literal definitions are similar, everyday use of the term party pooper just doesn’t have the crisp, pungent potency of its literal counterpart.

pOsT tHiS tO 50 pEoPle oR uR GuNnA DiE evEnTuaLLy

The Internet has really taken all the challenge out of being a dumbass. Case in point: can you imagine how difficult and time consuming it was to send chain letters before the advent of electronic messaging? Especially the "forward this to 10 people or a little girl with no eyes will rape you" type of letter. You either had to be extremely gullible, or a grade-A dick to participate in old school chain letters. And now thanks to the Internet, you don't have to choose!

And on a related note:

In other news, the White house received a chain letter today from cash-strapped Russia. In it, Moscow officials wrote "...we are aware that the unilateral request to propagate this message sounds crazy; but we voted, and we all thought we'd give it a shot." The Kremlin goes on to state optimism that on Friday it will be kissed by its biggest crush, while simultabeously warning of bad luck, were the White House not to comply. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev added "We did not send the last letter we got, and look what hs happened."