Land of a Hundred Lakes

Yes, it is hot, humid, and deeply rooted in dying agro-manufacturing industries, but no; Maryland is not a Southern state.

1. Geography. If we were to take a compass-cookie-cutter, and plop it down right in heart of real-America (you heard me Alaska and Hawaii) we see that there are four (4) clearly defined regions, corresponding to the ordinal directions they occupy. “But Brian…” you may say, “…Wisconsin isn’t in the Northeast! It’s in the Mid-West doncha know.” Oh, wow really? Cause according to, um, LOGIC, the ‘Mid-West’ falls right around Four Corners. Unless you’re an ancient Egyptian cartographer, the directions are what the compass says; not what your stupid smelly face wants to say.

2. The Civil War. When it comes to Maryland in the Civil War, I will grant you that there is considerable grey area in the North/South divide. However. We’re not here to argue that Maryland is a

Northern state, just to refute false accusations of Southitude. Let’s look at the facts:

•  Maryland did not secede
•  The number of Union enlistees outnumbered the Confederate enlistees 2:1
• Upon then-Gov. Hick’s orders, Union troops had cannons aimed at Baltimore, poised to level the city should the residents defect (although, if they knew then what Baltimore is now, they would have destroyed that shit hole for the betterment of mankind).

Also, contrary to the Southern states, in present day Maryland it is not socially acceptable to fly the disgraced Confederate Flag outside of one’s home. [Side note: there’s actually a direct relationship between the number of confederate flags flying in an area and the number of gay pride flags (see Fig 1)]



Figure 1.



I know some of you may be thinking that Maryland’s post-Civil War status was nudged North in hindsight, merely siding with the victor; and to that I say, so? Prove it. Come on, I dare you. That’s what I thought.

3. Sports. There is no “Dixie Cup 500”, or “Dongbell’s Moonshine League” NASCAR events. Instead, we have the social and economic opposite of competitive driving; lacrosse- where upper-middle class white boys can prove to their dads that they’re not gay! Oh, and jousting. We have jousting. Or so they say.

4. Lastly, Jesus, and Maryland. I rest easier knowing that ‘Southern Evangelicals’ have nothing to do with either.  

Although, I’m no fool; it’s only a matter of time before they try to cross the Potomac into the North…but we’ll be waiting. You can count on that.