What I Did on My Summer Rapture

I'm sure by now you've heard late-night shows take cheap shots at the no-show May 21^st 2011 end-of-times prediction (to be more specific, the rapture was to occur then; the world itself will end five months later). After investigating the "Family Radio" site, which looks like it would be more appropriate if viewed on Netscape Navigator in the year 1997, I learned so many facts about the end of days.

First of all, the May 21^st date was calculated by none other than Harold Camping (who previously predicted Jesus’ return in 1994) using facts in the bible. Except this time, he meant it; and I quote, “The Biblical evidence is too overwhelming and specific to be wrong.” There you go. The evidence is right there in the bible, right? WRONG HARRY

Using my own formula, I have calculated that Judgment Day will actually occur, and here’s why.

FACT 1: God personally wrote the bible (at least the REAL version-- The Work of God's Children Illustrated Bible)

FACT2: God is never wrong (except you know, the whole “Lucifer thing”)

CONCLUSION: Everything in the bible is a fact, therefore, it is proof.

Using the obvious signs left by God in the bible, we are able to crack the greatest code that ever existed (take THAT Dan Brown!). By highlighting certain numbers, dates and values, we can derive the exact date of Judgment day. Observe this formula:

#BNT= Number of Books in the New Testament

#BOT= Number of Books in the Old Testament

JC= Age of Jesus When He Died

#CBOE= Number of Celestial Bodies Orbiting the Earth

AgeUni= Age of The Universe

r = Radius of the Universe

Filling in the missing values we are left with:

The answer we get is Glαcgar day, which is the 12th unit of cycle Six, in the crest phase of Trênost. Yeah, turns out God didn’t use the Gregorian Calendar (est. 1582) when he made the universe, and the whole 24 hours in an Earth day? Well, apparently, he created the universe in seven days according to the planet βollmet; which has a day/night cycle of 43842934 Earth hours. In retrospect, it’s kind of embarrassing to assume the he made the entire universe based off the infinitesimally small planet of Earth. I mean, we must look sooooo conceited right now…awkwarddddddd.

But the good news is that Judgment Day was actually a hoax; it turns out that the 12^th unit of Cycle Six; Trê. is the divine equivalent of April Fool’s day. Furthermore, when one randomly picks words out of passages, and removes them from any and all context, you get the secret message:

“LOW AND BEHOLD-OH-JOY-I[God]-GOT-YOU-GOOD-DID-I- NOT?”

Well. Touché God. Touché.