Looking for Job?? Here iss a Few Tip!!!!!!!!!

Picking the Right Career

When looking for a job, first think about what you like to do. Those will be the jobs that everyone else wants too; you're not special. Instead, think about what you hate, and imagine doing that every day for 40 years. If you don't see yourself committing hypothetical suicide, then you've found your career! 

Landing an Interview

Getting your foot in the door (a business term for making sure you don't get locked out on your smoke break) is all about your resume. Odds are, there will be at LEAST three people who are applying for the same job as you-- maybe as many as 500!! Bottom line; you're going to need to make your resume stand out. Take a look at the sample resume I created for myself:

You may also want to consider a video resume, but a word of caution: do NOT, I repeat, NOT submit Star Wars: Episode IV as your resume. Believe me, they don't call you- or send the DVD back.

Acing the Interview

If you're an attractive woman with C-DD size breasts, go ahead and skip to the next section. All you need to do is wear a low-cut shirt and a pencil skirt (underwear optional). For the rest of us, an interview is a combination between talking with your condescending step-father, and water boarding. They will ask you questions, questions that much of the time, they have no right asking. Where do I see myself in five years? Not living in your weird colony of  psychics...

That's why I like to go on the offensive right off the bat. Here's what I like to do:

1. Refuse to shake hands (contact indicates trust and comfort-- neither have been established; you'll look like a whore)
2. Do not sit down (standing makes you appear more threatening-- you may want to wave your arms around and make noises as well)
3. Never break eye contact (a helpful trick: imagine that their unibrow is an interview you're not bombing)
4. Interrupt their questions, and then ask/answer your own (feel free to lob yourself some softballs--favorite colors, penis size [definitely embellish here], number of pets)
5. Upon leaving, make an impression (my personal favorites are urinating in the corner, or taking a swing at the interviewer)

They Said "YES!"!!!!

If you've followed my advice thus far, then they WILL offer you the job. And immediately, you will reject it. I suggest you also make several disparaging comments about their weight, the attractiveness of the secretary, the poor performance of their stock the last quarter, or anything else that you see fit. The point here is to give YOU the power by withholding; now THEY'RE the nerdy band geek, and YOU'RE the hot girl. Now you can go fuck some jock (which would have the job equivalent of a Subway or something) Then you just live out the rest of your days in mediocrity and lament over the things you could have done. Congratulations! You just had the American Dream!!