Amelia Earhart: A Great American Heroin

First of all, the woman’s name was Earhart. In the English language, we pronounce things as they are written, in this case, ear•hart; not air•hart, or ehir•hart, or any retro-application of feminist-induced mispronunciation. Anyway, Big Ears McGee crashed and died 75 years ago this week. Despite being championed as a female pioneer of flight, Earwax’s actual accomplishments have been more than distorted throughout history.

Conspiracy theories around her disappearance are most likely conspiracies (Conspiracy-Conspiracy Theories) to cover up the fact that she was an inexperienced gimmick riding high atop the coat-tails of the suffragette movement, and ultimately died due to poor planning and tepid execution of a trans-global flight. Most experts agree that she picked a way point that far exceeded her fuel capacity, and then tried to land on a shallow reef (Note: nowhere near the Bermuda triangle) and died.

Now you may be thinking that this is an assault on females in general, but really it’s an assault on idiots. For example, why is Armstrong Earwig put on postage stamps for being impulsive and unrealistic, when other female aviators (I refuse to use the term “aviatrix”) have barely ever seen the light of day? Raymonde de Laroche, Sabiha Gökçen, Beverly Burns – any of these ringing a bell? Didn’t think so. Even though these women put time and effort into fostering a sustainable flight career, we’d much rather hear about a tart who tried to land on a piece of coral. It’s what I like to call “James Dean and/or Kurt Cobain Syndrome” where people become famous for no reason other than the fact they died before everyone realized they were hacks. Of course they were “cut down in their prime” (Have you ever seen a James Dean movie? They’re like shit covered turds with a sprinkling of feces) so it’s anyone’s speculation as to how much potential for greatness they had. The truth is, had they survived another ten years they’d be as washed up as the wreckage of Earfart Stinkelton’s Lockheed Electra 10E.