All Is Fair

America is a land of apathy and indolence the likes of which can be held responsible for anynumber of social and/or economic issues. The voting turnouts are appalling, the only people who take up a cause are either fanatics or bored, and half the people in this nation don’t know who’s representing them. Well. Allow me to make a few humble suggestions.

First: Political parties need to stop acting like just that; parties. This isn’t a social hour; this is work time. Look at the UK political parties; they each have their own professionally designed logo, official color, and mascot (probably). Let’s get some heraldry! Take a lesson from video games, comic books and the Bloods & Crips and start making appearance convey intention! Once the parties have been given their makeovers, we move to...

Step Two: eliminate bipartisanship in politics. From now on, all decisions must be black and white, yes and no. None of this hoity-toity grey area of ‘stipulated tax cuts’ and ‘partial-birth abortion bans’; you’re either for something or against it. By doing this, you’ll succeed in polarizing the masses! Why not turn the middle-ground into the battleground? (I suggest one starts with some sort of propaganda poster like “Neutrality Kills”, or, for the Conservative-right, something along the lines of “Rather Gay than Grey”) Once the lines have been drawn, and the banners held high, we initiate...

Phase Three: TOTAL WAR. I’m talking a full-out descent into feudalism; constituents shall be the vassals, pledging their support to their local Lord of Congress, who in turn form uneasy allianges against those around them, mounting in frequent and bloody conflict!! And try saying that this WOULDN'T get people excited about politics. Just thinking about this makes me want to grab a pike and charge into battle in the name of the Honorable John P. Sarbanes.