Just The Tip

On the radio today there was a segment about how 20-30% is the new norm for tipping. If that is the case, then I’m proud to be an outlier. I mean, I understand tipping as a reward; but as a matter-of-course? No thank you. That's like going to a store and having a “25% On” coupon they force you to use. One of the people who called in to discuss the topic said something along the lines of, ‘If the service is really bad, yeah- I’ll leave like 10-15%.’ No, if the service is really bad, you leave no tip; or better yet, you leave 1% (which I imagine is more of an insult since it shows you made a conscious effort to say ‘You sucked’) My standard tip is around 12-15%, but functions on a sliding scale, based on service:

The How Big Is Your Tip? Scale 

1%                   - I actively hate you

5-8%               - You were a neglectful and unpleasant server

9-12%             - You brought food in a wholly unremarkable manner

13-16%          - You were polite, service was fine

17-21%          - You were very friendly and helpful, and comp’d me some drinks

≥22%              - You gave me a squeezer under the table

 

Go ahead and say it; "You're so cheap" but I won’t be made to pay a 30% ‘Guilt Tax’ because everyone else seems to have forgotten the point of tipping.

Some other things:

- If you brazenly proclaim that an “18% Gratuity Will Be Added for Parties of 6 or More”, don’t expect that number to go up, even to 19%.

- If the meal, and thus the bill, is very expensive, don’t expect the same proportions. Carrying a plate of Honey Seared Chilean Sea Bass and Chives requires the same amount of work as carrying a plate of Chicken Tenders and Fries.

- And as for the overly self-assured ladies, here’s a tip for you: having a set of tits is not as valuable as refilling my drink multiple times. If you want money for simply having boobs, become a stripper. Otherwise you’re the same as everyone else in my food-book.

To sum it up, here’s a scene from Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi) has an educated and polite conversation about the pros and cons of tipping. Enjoy.

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Mr. Pink: I don't tip because society says I have to. Alright, I tip when somebody really deserves a tip. If they put forth an effort, I'll give them something extra. But I mean, this tipping automatically, that's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned they're just doing their job.

Mr. Blue: Hey, this girl was nice.

Mr. Pink: She was okay. But she wasn't anything special.

Mr. Blue: What's special? Take you in the back and suck your dick?

Nice Guy Eddie: I'd go over twelve percent for that.

Mr. Pink: Look, I ordered coffee, alright? And we’ve been here a long fucking time and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee I want it filled six times.

Mr. Blonde: Six times? Well, what if she's too fucking busy?

Mr. Pink: The words "too fucking busy" shouldn't be in a waitress's vocabulary.

Nice Guy Eddie: Excuse me Mr. Pink, but the last fucking thing you need is another cup of coffee.

Mr. Pink: Jesus Christ man, these ladies aren't starving to death. They make minimum wage. You know, I used to work minimum wage and when I did I wasn't lucky enough to have a job the society deemed tipworthy.

Mr. Blue: You don't care if they're counting on your tips to live?

Mr. Pink: [rubbing his middle finger and thumb together] You know what this is? The world's smallest violin playing just for the waitresses.

Mr. White: You don't have any idea what you're talking about. These people bust their ass. This is a hard job.

Mr. Pink: So is working at McDonald's, but you don't see anyone tip them, do you? Why not, they're serving you food. But no, society says don't tip these guys over here, but tip these guys over here. It's bullshit!

Mr. White: Waitressing is the number one occupation for female non-college graduates in this country. It's the one job basically any woman can get, and make a living on. The reason is because of tips.

Mr. Pink: Fuck all that! I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's fucked up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you show me a piece of paper that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And this non-college bullshit you're givin' me, I got two words for that: learn to fuckin' type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big fuckin' surprise.

Mr. Orange: You know what, you just convinced me. Gimmie my dollar back!

[end scene]

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Mid-Life Crisis, Here I Come!

In an effort to more effectively embrace adulthood, I decided I need to do more adult-type things. I already have a 401(k), I've given up on most of my hopes and dreams, and I listen to talk radio (I like to alternate between NPR and WAVA Christian Media). More recently I've taken some smaller steps, such as ordering this cute My Family and Me rear-window decal, which I had custom made to accurately reflect my lifestyle. 



What America Means to Me

Despite a multitude of diverse and unique characteristics, the united states are just too numerous to devote individual and descriptive attributes to. That being said, I’ve compiled a list of all 50 states and paired them with what word (or phrase) I most closely associate with them; I think I speak for all of America so Governors, take heed:

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Alabama – Racism

Alaska – Eskimos

Arizona – Grand Canyon

Arkansas – Nothing

California – Hippies

Colorado – Mountains

Connecticut – Nothing

Delaware – Nothing

District of Columbia – Murder

Florida – Alligators

Georgia – Peaches/ Racism

Hawaii – Hula girls

Idaho – Potatoes

Illinois – Abe Lincoln

Indiana – Nothing

Iowa – Corn

Kansas – Dorothy

Kentucky – Moonshine

Louisiana – Mardi Gras

Maine – Lobsters

Maryland – Crabs

Massachusetts – W.A.S.P.s

Michigan – Lakes

Minnesota – Nothing

Mississippi – Racism

Missouri – Nothing

Montana – A lot of nothing

Nebraska – Cows

Nevada – Prostitutes

New Hampshire – Nothing

New Jersey – A joke

New Mexico – Nothing

New York – Assholes

North Carolina – Wealthy racists

North Dakota – Nothing

Ohio – Nothing

Oklahoma – Oklahoma! (the musical)

Oregon – The Trail

Pennsylvania – Obsolete industries

Puerto Rico – Parasite

Rhode Island – Insignificance

South Carolina – Poor Racists

South Dakota – Mt. Rushmore

Tennessee – Racism

Texas – Fat Idiots

Utah – Mormons

Vermont – Cheddar/ Syrup

Virginia – Cigarettes

Virgin Islands – Whores

Washington – The 90's

West Virginia – Incest

Wisconsin – Dairy

Wyoming – Nothing

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[percent = per cent = per one-hundred = out of 100]

If a statistic contains less than 100 individual data points, it’s not a 'percent'. If 35 out of 51 people surveyed said they had Chlamydia, say “35 out of 51 people surveyed have Chlamydia”; don’t say “68.6% of people surveyed have Chlamydia.” You don’t know that. True, if you maintained that exact ratio, a sample of 100 people would have a 68.6% incidence rate of Chlamydia, but you don’t know that. Basically, you're artificially doubling your sample size, Mike, and that is just wrong. So next time you try to tell me that 68.6% of your friends have Chlamydia, Michael William Wehnert, Jr., at least make sure you’ve talked to 100 people.

Quote of the Day

Whether you think you can or you can’t -- you’re right*.

*Provided, of course, you took into account your personal strengths and weaknesses, and considered as many possible outcomes as is needed to base a logical, statistically realistic conclusion on.

That, or, it could be Mono

Yesterday NPR did a piece on a couple who wrote a book on rabies (Lyssavirus rabies) and they brought up some interesting points. In a true Jungian fashion, the authors ascribed the most salient horror archetypes (i.e., vampires, werewolves, zombies) as all being based on some kind of animalistic behavior being transmitted through a bite, a la rabies. And they’re right. The connection between zombies and rabies is a little less subtle, but both vampires and werewolves are bite based; bats are notorious harbingers of rabies, and wolves are also known for being rabid (see 'Old Yeller'). Now the next time you watch Twilight you don’t have to choose between Edward and Jacob; they’re both Team Rabies!

No Sleepovers for Barry and Joey

Huh. Just found out the Vice President doesn’t live at the White House. I mean, I knew that, but I didn’t KNOW that; it’s one of those things that you acknowledge but don’t really think about. Like the inevitable destruction of Earth and all life inside the asteroid belt when the sun becomes a red giant in a few billion years. Happy Thursday.

Apparently the IOC is Very Protective of its Symbols and Intellectual Property

Luckily the transformativeness of this work is substantial enough to excuse me from any liability. Because everyone knows that a week before the Olympics, the IOC has nothing better to do than troll obscure blogs looking for potential copyright violations.

Color-Blind Taste Test

I love things whose color is also their flavor. It just simplifies the whole process of food selection. Well... candy selection. I don't know too many well-balanced meals that fall into this category. And I'm not talking about stuff that looks different, but tastes the same (e.g., M&Ms [Note: M&Ms do not have flavors, Liv]) or things that have specific flavors (e.g., a lemon Starburst).

These are foods that, when presented with a choice, the selection-response is given in the form of a color, not a flavor. Regardless of whether or not there is an intended flavor—the classification is purely chromatic. I suppose it's the confectionery equivalent of racial stereotyping.

Not exactly what I was talking about, but look-- I made a soda name/color rainbow!

Destructive Criticism

Art had it coming.