GODDAMNIT -- NO IT DOES NOT

  

Ignoring the fact that Star Wars and Star Trek are notorious sci-fi rivals, ignoring the fact that 'Cloverfield' and 'Super 8' both sucked a fat one (and both featured poorly designed spider-squid monsters), and ignoring the fact that 'Lost' was just 6 seasons of plot holes and cliff-hangers, J. J. Abrams is a piss-poor screenwriter and a hack director who's only skill is ruining the souls of everyone who watches his work.

I can only assume that his full name is Jizz Juggler Abrams, because he must have been jerking off someone at Disney Co. (looking at you Eisner) in order to be considered to direct Star Wars Episode VII. I mean, really? It's a slight against God that this little prick, with his hands still filthy from finger-fucking the Star Trek franchise, gets to take the reigns of the greatest sci-fi epic of the last 50 years. It's going to be stylistically identical to the Star Trek remake; just slick shiny spaceships and lens flares every 5 seconds. Might as well just merge the two and have a show called "STARS" where each episode is a jumbled mess of poorly lit action sequences and unresolved plot lines.

All I can say is that Jizzy Abrams must not be a Star Wars fan. No one who cares about the Star Wars saga would ever condone this. No one. So fuck off MTV, and fuck off Big Shiny Robot editor-in-chief Bryan Young. Keep your blasphemy to your self. And also do not go through with this.

Sincerely, 

Brian

Lance Armstrong Admits to Name-Doping

Lance Armstrong, born Lester Ennis Rabinowicz-Cockburn, has finally admitted to long-standing charges of name-doping with the intent of personal enhancement. 

Recently exhumed documents, including daycare records and birth certificates, show that Rabinowicz-Cockburn was born into a to Polish-Scottish household in September 1972 and maintained his birth name until the age of ten; at this point he began experimenting with several names, including “Pistol McBullets” and “Snake Plissken” (the name of Kurt Russell’s character in the 1981 movie Escape from New York)

Sports commentators have previously pointed out that Lance Armstrong is indeed, a dope ass name; however, records show allegations of name-doping that date as far back as 1996.

Rabinowicz-Cockburn now faces questions of performance integrity, and several sponsors have already pulled their endorsements.