Fifty is Nifty

As much as I hate its people, I love America. Jingoism aside, we’re number one- and for good reason. Yes sir, the 50 States have a system that for better and for worse, works well. But hark! What’s this? Some terrorists are seeking to destroy our flag, and cause massive chaos? Yes dear readers, that is correct: the anti-American denizens of the so-called ‘District of Columbia’ think they deserve statehood. Nothing could be further from the truth.

From its inception, Washington D.C. had the explicit intention of operating outside the realm of statehood; a Vatican City of political being. But unlike the Vatican, the designation of the region has been long established (circa 1792). That means for the last 200 years, people have known darn well what they’re getting themselves into; no ambiguity, no lack of clarity. Despite this, people kept (and keep) moving there, and then act surprised when they can’t have everything exactly how they want it. Sorry Malcolm, but this time you did land on Plymouth Rock.

The very notion of degrading the district into statehood not only weakens federal autonomy (since all federal buildings would now be located in state-taxed areas) but can also be seen as an act of secession. Just think- the physical aspect of D.C. was bore out of land ceded by the great state of Maryland, not some unclaimed Manifest Destiny-era territory. To take that land, parse it, and then declare it autonomous is an act akin to a seditious insurrection, a la Fort Sumter. If the denizens of that region want to be treated as state-fellows, they can humbly return the land given to them and assimilate. Not selfishly, and naïvely stand atop their half-square and shout glittering generalities of taxation and freedom.

You Can Be Jack, or Billy Zane

I always have these great ideas for blog entries, but never write them down because I think to myself 'Golly gee, this is the best idea ever- there's no way I could ever forget this!' And then I end up writing about how all my best material escapes me. I'm like Rose, and this blog is the Titanic. And my ideas are that necklace, and the ocean is, well, probably a butterfly or some other distraction. Also, due to a contractual obligation, James Cameron reprises his role and directs my abstract metaphors.

An Inopportune Reality

The Mayan civilization was the most advanced American civilization, until of course, we came along. Their massive pyramidal temples and comprehension of mathematics and astronomy made them stand out in history as ‘trendsetters’ so-to-speak. But recent evidence has revealed that despite their Mesoamerican supremacy, the might Maya may have been brought down by climate change. That’s right- climate change. Recent data indicated that drought and unfavorable temperatures led to massive crop failures, and likely widespread famine.

Not being light-weights when it came to predicting events (i.e., the soon-to-be 2012 Apocalypse) there is ample evidence to support that several key members of the Mayan hierarchy foresaw these catastrophic events, and tried to warn their emperors. But ancient runes show that there was a powerful anti-climate change lobby within the Mayan priesthood. Mayan codices show that several revered priests reported that they saw no such catastrophe when they gazed into their virgin-blood basins, and then used propaganda and misdirection to distract the lower and middle caste members of society from noticing. By claiming that the changes were the will of their lord and savior, Q'uq'umatz the feathered serpent, the priesthood published numerous texts and sites dedicated to denying the climate change evidence. It took the work of the Mayan Emperor’s second-in-command, creator of the inter-networking of aqueducts, to weave a story telling the people the inopportune reality that was upon them. Naturally, the priesthood accused him of blasphemy, which resulted in his heart being severed from his still-living corporeal being, and all his blood being drained.

The moral of the story is: look where the Maya are today- they’re famous! If we ever want to be remembered as a ‘great civilization,’ we need to die out now- not in a few thousand years. We need to be the global equivalent of James Dean- not Elizabeth Taylor. Odds are, if we keep going on with a few limitations here and there, and minimal yet noticeable regulation, we’ll just get fat and old, and no longer attractive (historically speaking) and no one will ever want to study us. I say drill baby drill, pump baby pump, and deforest baby deforest. Not just for us- but for our children, and our children’s children (who most likely won’t have children of their own).

Beware the Nones of March

February is Black History Month; a trivial dedication of 29, but usually 28, days to celebrate the history of an entire race of people. (really though, who picked February- the runt of the month litter?) Then in March, we dedicate the same  nominal amount of time (plus 2-3 extra days) to celebrate the history of half the planet. Are you catching my drift? If not, The Onion said it best with their article on White History Year; the distribution of ethnically, culturally, and sexually diverse temporal celebrations is far from equal. Just look at this list of Month-type celebrations I've compiled. 

 Look at that. December and January are left empty, meanwhile we're cramming March to the brim. (granted- if you happen to be a hairy Mediterranean woman with redhair and a drinking problem this is quite convenient, but we can't all be so lucky [Hi Elise!]) Being the civil and kind man that I am, I sat down one night, had a few drinks, and devised a revised surprised ingenuitized yearly calendar of celebrations. Behold the end-result:

By doing away with the so-called "white people" cultural celebrations, we can see a much more distributed belittling of peoples. Now everyone gets patronized with an equally offensive fleeting focus (except white, land-owning males; we still call dibs on the whole year)

Ash Wednesday

I got a whole lot less excited for this post after a google image search for "Ash Wednesday" revealed that I am not the only person with a deficit of maturity, and an excess of time.

It's Oscar Season!

There’s a lot of speculation and water cooler buzz going on about this Sunday’s Oscars. By most accounts, this is going to be another ‘art house’ year, where all the categories get swept under the so-called post-modern Blanket of Confusion (+2) and no one is really happy. But I have faith in this year’s Oscars; I think that the awards will go out to the Oscars who deserve it. Here are my predictions:

Really? Like, really?

Come on Google News/ Register. At least make your obscene references subtle.

        

No John Hanson, Get Your Weak Shit Outta Here

Yesterday was Presidents’ Day; a holiday created to memorialize our nation’s great leaders.

Except not so much.

First things first, there is no such holiday as President’s Day. According to section 6103(a) of title 5 of the United States Code of law, yesterday (Monday, February 20th) was the Federal holiday designated “Washington’s Birthday”. While the Office of Personnel Management acknowledges that “other institutions such as state and local governments and private businesses may use other names,” there simply is no such holiday as Presidents’ Day.

And it’s not like this is comes as a surprise to anyone really. Watch this: What number president is Barack Obama? How bout this one: What President holds the record for shortest term? Or: How many Presidents have died in office? No? Anyone?

And this is why it’s fitting that there is no such thing as Presidents’ Day; Americans are just too stupid or too ignorant- or any combination of the two. Of course that doesn’t stop us (but really, when has it ever) from celebrating the concept of ‘Presidents.’ How else could we justify an extra day off in February? And what other excuse would our used car dealerships have for making horrendous savings-based historical puns? But telling lies and cherry pies aside, I suppose it’s not that bad overall. At least Presiden—er, Washington’s Birthday isn’t completely amorphous and intangible (Memorial Day) or borderline offensive (Columbus Day), and I for one never object to sleeping in. So go ahead- only remember Chester A. Arthur from that scene in Die Hard 2, or think that Lincoln was the 5th President because he happens to be on the 5 dollar bill—after all, it’s the American way.



Answers: 44th; William Henry Harrison (31 days); 8 total, 4 by assassination

Evolution at its Finest

As with any Fortune 5 company, I'm interested in sustainable market-share growth for my blog. A few posts back I remarked on my growing international presence. Well, not being a terrorist made me realize that that doesn't matter; the only visitors I want to my blog are wholesome red-blooded Americans (and possibly some green-blooded Canadians). I did a quick web search on how to increase web traffic, and found...nothing. Here's what was recommended, and why everything is irrelevant to me.


1. Write Well and Write Often
Check aaaand mostly check.

2. Submit Your Blog to Search Engines
I'm already on Lycos, HotBot, AOL Online (Keyword: NASDQ), and Lithuanian Google.

3. Use and Update Your Blogroll
I don't know what this is, but it sounds like a Ponzi scheme.

4. Harness the Power of Comments
Been trying to, but for some reason my mana staves won't recharge.

5. Syndicate Your Blog's Content with an RSS Feed
I refuse to have my literary and journalistic superiority aggregated with the common riffraff like CNN.

6. Use Links and Trackbacks
Way ahead of you.

7. Tag Your Posts
My post labels are both relevant and pants shittingly funny.

8. Submit Your Posts to Social Bookmarking Sites
If these are anything like Social Quiltmaking Sites-- count me out. I learned my lesson.

9. Remember Search Engine Optimization
Got it.

10. Don't Forget Images

This is a tiny lizard.

Chicken Soup for the Asshole 2

Here's another saying I can't stand (yeah, looking at you Kelly Clarkson):

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

I will refute this statement in one word: polio. NEXT.
 

Chalky Casanova

Rolling in the Cheese

Remember the SAT? Specifically, the analogy section? In case you don't, here are some mental exercises designed to boot your reasoning skills! Enjoy!

1.)

Adele : 2011 : : Amy Winehouse : 2006

Adele is to 2011 what Amy Winehouse was to 2006.

Relationship? _____________________________

2.)

Crack cocaine : Amy Winehouse : : Meat-Lover's Pizza : Adele

Crack cocaine is to Amy Winehouse as what Meat-Lover's Pizza with extra cheese is to Adele.

Relationship? _____________________________

Answers:
1. Next in a line of British soul-singers with a 'one of a kind' sound /  short-lived musical flavor of the week.
2. Cause of downfall, and eventual death.

Meowth Would Be Proud

Independent-expenditure only political action committees, or as we say on the Hill- Super PACs- are a great invention. Back in 2010, the most money a candidate could receive from one group was $5,000, and there were allllll these hoops to jump through (recording donor names, etc). Frankly, it was only the lamest of the lame who used regular PACs. But thanks to a few lawsuits, anyone can give any amount of money to any candidate, as long as they aren't technically in their camp. Well, being the scholar that I am, I did some research. Turns out, those aren't the only two flavors of political action committees.

The regular, boring old PAC

As I mentioned, these are the lowliest of the low; the bottom of the campaign food chain. Being so limited in their contribution limits, PACs have essentially become political leper colonies. Furthermore, their lack of funding often results in lackluster presentations and underwhelming TV/ radio advertisements.

The Super PAC

Another one we're familiar with. These are the current industry standard for political money laundering, offering a diverse array of clandestine services including (but not limited to): emotionally damaging attack-ads, jabs at family members' medical conditions, and making any other racist/ unsavoury comments the candidate doesn't want to make.

The Ultra PAC

Now this one you might not have heard of. Ultra PACs are unique is that they not only contribute unlimited sums of money, but they will viciously and ruthlessly slaughter any person who gets in the candidates way. How do they get away with this you ask? Thanks to the court case Citizens United v. FEC, they function as an independent corporation, their crimes are distributed over their many members, so a 10 year prison sentence easily becomes a few minutes of community service. In some areas, Ultra PACs often qualify for tax-exempt status, citing their influence to be similar to "...a vengeful God's"

The Master PAC

Not much is known about this entity; only that there is only one, and they operate in extreme secrecy. Because of this, not much is known about their influence on elections or civil society in general. Disturbing anecdotal evidence points to nearly unlimited funds and resources, as well as access to advanced technologies and global monitoring capabilities. 

Pan-han-dering

Despite complaints from 1 of my 1½ readers about being “too political” and “too edgy” and “too in-your-face journalism with a Money Shot of Truth™”, I refuse to change my blog themes to cater to the masses. As such, I will now make a list of derogatory nicknames/ terms associated with the name Mike*

*Name changed to protect the innocent

• Mike the Tyke
• M. I. K. E. = Milks In Kids’ Ears
• Michael the Tychael
• Dykey Mikey
• Herr Michael, member of the Third Richael
• Mike the Great Green Hype
• MiCUNT (Michael + Cunt)
• Mike Wire the Kite Flier
• Michael Jackson (the child molester, not the pop star)
• Archangel Michael (the child molester, not the biblical figure)

Why Newt Gingrich Would Make a Great Bond Villain

1. He’s fat.
2. He always wants more power.
3. He wants to build a base on the moon.
4. He’s a narcissistic sociopath with a sliding moral and social scale, as exemplified by his wives and his religious affiliations; both of which he’s had three.
5. Probably owns a cat.
6. Kind of looks like a Soviet-era Russian.
7. Once quoted as saying “The world will tremble at my feet once I am Emperor of the Moon <maniacal laughter> Also, I don’t like minorities.”