Sir Russell Tyrone Jones

As everyone now knows, Arnold Schwarzenegger split up with his lady love after telling her (10 years later) that he fathered a child with a member of the ‘household staff’. Now, I’m sure the astute social commentators at TMZ are making their own poignant observations about the whole situation, but not I. Nay. Because unlike those puritanical critics, I remember a time where it was not only accepted for those in power to have illegitimate children, it was expected.

America has a long history of politicians fathering children with members of their ‘household staff’ (yeah, looking at you TJ). And before that, in the days of monarchy, it was actually a requirement for kings to impregnate anything that moved: England’s Edward the IV had 16 illegitimate children (who fared better than his legitimate children, the infamous Princes in the Tower), Pope Alexander the VI had 2, James the V of Scotland had 9, Alexander the II of Russia had 7, and the Louis from XIV-XVI all had like 20 little bastards. Ironically, notorious ladies’ man Henry VIII is credited with only two illegitimate children (although I’m sure in the Catholic Church’s eyes, all children born in latter marriages lacked legitimacy).

Historically speaking, having a bastard child is about as politically correct as you can get. I wouldn’t be surprised if Arnie would up as the next King of Austria (you’d better watch out Archduke Karl Thomas Robert Maria Franziskus GeorgBahnam Habsburg-Lothringen…)

Bachmann 2012!!!

I Might Be The Coolest Person Ever

While I would never play online games whilst at work, when I’m trying to kill time at home on the weekend, I’ve been known to play a game or two. Unfortunately, most online games are downright terrible. So I keep it simple; puzzle games, skill games, games not based on Nickelodeon shows. There’s a version of Tetris online as well as a few other knock-offs of classic games.

[Extended side note. The blocks featured in Tetris (called tetrominoes) are composed of four blocks (hence the tetra- prefix), arranged into 5 unique shapes (7 unique shape-orientations in 2-D ). They are:

In reading-order: “I”, “J”, “L”, “O”, “S”, “T”, “Z”

Oddly enough they don’t have cute names like the ghosts from Pac Man, but that’s probably due to the fact that they were created in Soviet Russia.]

Tetris succeeds as a game because it’s so simple. It turns the elimination of a row of blocks into a joyous occasion. The minimalist nature of the game means it its replay value is very slow to diminish; it’s got a quantitative aspect that makes you want to keep playing. There’s no plot, no defined characters, only two control buttons-- and that results in hours of fun. I bring this up because for a while now I’ve been wanting to express a burning sentiment; I hate Mario. I think Super Mario Bros. is one of the most overrated games ever. And here’s why.

And it’s not just Super Mario Bros., no- I’m including Super Mario Land, Mario 64, Paper Mario, etc. The gameplay falls into a bell-curve valley somewhere between the simple, yet rewarding repetition of Tetris, and the immensely complex RPGs; the worst of both worlds. Maybe the human-like quality of the game that creates some kind of “Uncanny Valley” effect, where you kiiiiind of want to care, but then there’s nothing to latch on to. Here's a graphic representation:

So in summation:

• The plots are anything but captivating: “Oh no, the princess has been captured. Again.”
• There’s no character attachment: You can’t ‘level up’, there’s no customizations [in content or appearance], and no character development.
• Tedious actions that must be repeated in different contexts to achieve a lackluster goal: Jump! Run! Go ‘WOO HOO’! (Repeat)

Either give me a one-shot, mind numbing proto-game to pass the time, or over 300 hours of highly immersive gameplay that might cause cerebral overload; don’t give me a washed-up plumber jumping on turtles.

Seize and Assist

Looks like our old friends at The Inkhorn have been stepping on the wrong people's toes...

Well Hello There...

Apparently there's an updated editor (if you read the comments on my last post, you know my frustrations). Let's take it for a test post...

The ugly girl sat upon a porcelain chair, spiders and mayonnaise in her hair...

This is Poodonkis. He's a Dromiceiomimus!

As the great actor of stage and film C. Thomas Howell once said (as Ponyboy Curtis, quoting Robert Frost)

"Nothing gold can stay."

But here are the reasons he was wrong:

1. Gold does not oxidize in water or air, giving it a very long natural life
2. Historically, Gold have demonstrated its staying power by being valued across all cultures and periods
3. The Golden Girls were old as shit
4. Gold is the only metal capable of killing bizarro-werewolves.

C.A. Meeting

I’d like to take some time and address an issue that many people either don’t want to talk about, or refuse to take seriously; chocoholism.

In the Unites States alone, there are over 50 million chocoholics, many of which are self-diagnoses. Currently, the DSM-IV does not recognize chocoholism as a disease, nor does the ICD-10 (although there have been numerous calls for it to appear in the next version of both) so empirical definition of the disease is difficult. A chocoholic can usually be identified by:

1. A strong desire or “craving” for chocolate and/or chocolate-based products
2. An intense sense of euphoria once the craving has been satisfied, often followed by feelings of guilt and regret
3. The purchase and storage of quantities of chocolate; called a “stash”

Chocoholism can lead to obesity, type II diabetes, tooth decay, sticky fingers, and paranoid delusions accompanied by detachment from reality. Statistically, more women are chocoholics than men; experts think this is because women are just crazy- am I right guys?? Others call chocolate a ‘gateway drug’, saying it opens up doors to more dangerous addictions (e.g., heroin, peanut butter).

Although chocolate is regulated under by the FDA, chocolate lobbyists have coerced congress not to pass any anti-chocolate laws, offering them bribes (particularly around Christmas and Easter). Also controversial is the tendency for ‘Big Chocolate’ to target America’s youth in their ad campaigns, a move some critics say is setting children up for a lifelong problem.

Chocolate-based anthropomorphic characters have drawn comparisons to the
use of the now infamous “Joe Camel” of Camel Cigarette

Odds are that you know someone who is a struggling with chocoholism. The most important thing you can do is let them know you are there to support them. Know the signs. Seek treatment for them. And if need be, tell the to get their fat ass to the gym.

There is no reason why a recovered chocoholic shouldn't be able to live a healthy, productive, enjoyable life.

This Entry Will Cite Nothing

The majority of my job involves pandering to science journals, and their ridiculous specifications; the most unreasonable of which are the reference styles. There are three core science-styles; AMA, APA and ACS (sorry MLA, you just don’t cut it). As if this referential triumvirate isn’t bad enough, there are literally hundreds of journal-specific modifications, the majority of which involve comma placement and italics. The worst part is that the journals know that anyone who wants to be published has to conform to their specific style. They’re like divas, who demand subservience and trivial gestures before they’ll perform. Just look at the following description I found for prima donna:

“…someone who behaves in demanding, often temperamental, fashion revealing an inflated view of themselves, their talent, and their importance.”

Anyone who has ever conducted research knows that that statement accurately describes 90% of all journals available today. The other 10% can be summed up in one word: …NERDS…

HAHAHAHA!

GO MIDTOWN FOOTBALL!! WOOOO!!!!

eh? eee…I.O.U. (and sometimes, why?)

This was the top story on Google news; apparently it got leaked. I don't know how I feel about this...

RFWoAiMSP: Vol. I

I’d like to introduce a new reoccurring segment called “Recreating Famous Works of Art in MS Paint”

For the first installment, I will be replicating Grant Wood’s famous period-piece, American Gothic (1930).

Note the stern face of the male, juxtaposed with the confused and far-off gaze of the female (perhaps she is a Communist- we don't know). The omission of the barn is symbolic because barns are used for storing things, which implies ownership, whereas the persons here are without possessions (other than a pitchfork) probably because their Communist leaders took them all. Also of note is the lack of windows; only one is present. Perhaps this is representative of the farmer's lack of introversion- that we can only see in so much. Lastly, the shading implies two suns, as can be found on the desert planet Tatooine.

Can't Spell "Chivalry" Without "HIV"

Running with the theme of the Christian-right in politics, I wondered what it would be like if America actually elected a modern-day Sith Lord (see Michele Bachmann) and everything just went to hell. The thing I’m afraid of the most is that after the collapse of society, life won’t be like Mad Max or Fallout 3, but more akin to the present day South. There’d be no armour-clad, gun toting, generally bad-ass road warriors; just tragically depressing social gaps, poorly planned and maintained infrastructure, limited education (in both quality and quantity) and a lot of inbreeding. For more description see the Wikipedia article-summary of movie The Road, based off Cormick McCarthy’s book The Road, none of which I read. It’ll be more Deliverance (1972) than Doomsday (2008) [odd reference, I know, but I really wanted the alliteration]. Although I will say, Doomsday was right that at the first sign of social collapse, society will revert to Feudalism. Partially because people are addicted to leaders, and partially cause- who wouldn’t want to be a fucking knight??

Politiking

Hearing about the Republican presidential debate, one of the clips played on the radio was about Ron Paul. Apparently he made some comment about legalizing marijuana and heroin, and ruffled a bunch of feathers. It got me thinking, not too hard, but thinking.

Mr. Paul, or “Cherry Ron” as he’s called in the bathhouses, is a libertarian from Texas, who pretty much opposes everything. Anti-government. Anti-currency. Anti-war. Anti-abortion. Anti-globalization. Anti-logic. The list goes on (and on). I’m pretty sure that this guy would only be happy if America adopted feudalism, and started using gold and/or baby skulls as currency.

I mean, from what I recall of the Articles of Confederation, there were no drawbacks to a weak central government in America. In fact, if it weren’t for those damn Federalists, who KNOWS where the Confederate States of America might be? Wait, why does that name sound familiar? Never mind. If there’s one thing that Disney and maudlin Christmas films have taught me, it’s that: deep down, people are all good-natured, and if left on their own, they will always make the most altruistic and cooperative decisions. So what if government regulation of business ensures basic standards of safety, pay and worker’s rights? To quote Thomas Jefferson’s brother, Leroy Jefferson, “Better one hundred men die from the black lung than one businessman suffer the burden of regulation.”

And isolationism was effective too. I envy the Cargo Cults and Aborigines who don’t have 'the Man' breathing down their neck, stifling their intellectual and personal growth. “Walk softly and carry a big stick”? More like, 'Mow the lawn and put up a NO TRESSPASSING sign', Teddy.

Dingo Soccer England Unicorn

Being a commuter (or a “Beltway Bandit” as none would say) I spend a lot of time in the car. Most of which occurs at slow to no speeds. So in order to maintain sanity, I have three possible choices: listen to my iPod, sever my ties to reality and slowly spiral into a delusional fantasy world, or listen to the radio. We’ll talk about the first two later. They’re beside the point anyway. The radio is a device that picks up electromagnetic waves transmitted at pre-determined frequencies from broadcast towers, so that everyone can hear the same six songs, uninspired social commentary, but most of all, an endless onslaught of advertisements. Now I could go on about the ocean of bad ads on the radio, but frankly, I prefer a more challenging target; enter NPR.

National Public Radio has my favorite advertisements. Because they assume their listeners are more… refined than the average folk (ha, suckersssss) they sell their ad time to a lot of big-name corporations: Intel, Boeing, Lockheed-Martin, ect. Now what I love about these ads, or as they’re technically called “underwriting spots”, is that they’re all structured around one core principle: use as many buzzwords in 30 seconds as is grammatically possible. One of my favorite ad-producers is the company General Dynamics Information Technology. If the company’s name itself isn’t enough to get you synergized, they describe themselves as “A top tier integrator of mission-critical IT systems.” And then there’s Raytheon. With such gems as: “Raytheon, committed to delivering integrated, customized, life-cycle Mission Support solutions for customers around the globe.” and my personal favourite, “Raytheon, committed to Global ISR solutions that provide situational awareness and intelligence for tactical and strategic objectives.” It’s as if they had a list of buzzwords, and just went down circling which ones tangentially fit their company.


This brings me to the main reason for this post; Dynamic System Enterprises United.



Founded in 2011, after visiting the Wikipedia page on “buzzwords”, DSEU is an employee-owned, privately-traded, translucently-open business entity. Here's the official description from the would-be website:

“Dynamic System Enterprises United: A Client-Centered Consulting Firm Committed to Next-Generation Information Analytics and Strategic Resource Allocation

With a combined experience of over 40 years, it’s no wonder that more people trust DSEU with their operational and mission critical issues. Using a synergy-based approach, our team members utilize state-of-the-art techniques and resources to ensure effective and sustainable paradigm shifts that help foster Your Company- 2.0

Services Offered Include:

• 
  
  Critical Document Management and Data Streamlining


• 
  
  Holistic Business-to-Customer Relations


• 
  
  Enhancing User-Based Interpersonal Communication Systems


• 
  
  Content Digitization and Workflow Optimization


• 
  
  Goal-Oriented Organic Growth Solutions


• 
  
  Aggregated Modernization for Modular-Based Global Economics
  

At DSEU, we help you, help us reach yesterday's tomorrow- today."